A guide to the different pieces on a chessboard, written by someone who has no idea how to play chess.

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April 19, 2013

The Queen


Once the most important piece on the board, the Queen is now merely a figurehead who wields no actual power. If you wish to make a move with the Queen that is binding, you need to first run it by the Parliament gamepiece (sold separately).

The Fresh Ground Pepper Mill


Though it is the most courteous and attentive of all the chess pieces, the Fresh Ground Pepper Mill should not be underestimated. It moves around the board in a circular motion, stopping to ask each opposing piece if it would like some fresh ground pepper. Seems innocent enough, but while making sure their salad isn’t over-spiced, opponents will often let their guard down, leaving themselves vulnerable to attack.

The Fancy Penis


With its decorative ornamentation, the Fancy Penis parades around the board, preening for the female chess pieces and enraging the jealous males. Though its fanciness can be inviting, even mesmerizing, proceed with caution: a Fancy Penis will wine you, dine you and, ultimately, fuck you.

The Horsey


The Horsey is one of the most important pieces because it is the only one that actually looks like much of anything. It is also the funnest piece, as you can make the Horsey gallop, trot, jump or even do a “neigh” sound (using your mouth). The Horsey is the only piece that can not be taken by the Fresh Ground Pepper Mill as horseys eat mainly carrots and plain, unpeppered oats.

The Elevated Ashtray


The Elevated Ashtray is a powerful piece because it implies a serious threat. Like any ashtray teetering high above the ground, if you mess with it too much, it will tip over, dumping hot cigarette butts on your head.

Dinky Li'l Peeners


These guys don’t really do much, they just dinky li’l peeners.