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So you're spending Hanukkah with a hooker. You've got a long road ahead. Eight nights! Here's a handy guide.
Published December 02, 2010 More Info »
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Published December 02, 2010

First Night



On the first night, take it slow. If she's a pro, she's made you pay up front. So slow down, big guy! You've got her for eight whole nights. 

But since it is Hanukkah, take out that menorah and light those candles. She'll be delighted that you aren't like those gentile johns, who just want sex without a shared tradition. But make sure she knows she's still a prostitute and she can't replace an actual human being. 

Second Night

It's gift time! Now, normally you'd have given a loved one a present on the first night. But you don't love your hooker. How can you love someone who doesn't have a soul? Haha. She's not real. Anyway, when she asks for her gift, make some shamash-being-your-penis joke, point to your crotch, and say "Happy Hanukkah." This will go over like gangbusters. 

With generosity like that, your Hanukkah Hooker will undoubtedly feel guilty that she has not gotten you a gift. Tell her not to worry. Tomorrow, the two of you will go to Home Depot where you will pick something out together.

Third Night

Bring her to Home Depot, but make her sit in the car because you saw Jim from Accounting in the parking lot and you wouldn't be caught dead with a hooker. Stress the word "dead." 

Purchase an axe from Home Depot. Upon returning to the car, show it to her and say "it's a Hanukkah miracle." Then laugh and laugh. Since you're paying her for her time and body, she'll laugh along with you, unaware of your intentions.

Fourth Night

Dreidel Time! 

No gelt for the prostitute. 

Fifth Night

This will likely be the night you spend Hanukkah with your extended family and introduce your sex worker as your girlfriend. Coach your hooker extensively to prepare. In fact, you should probably take the day off from work to make sure she's well-versed in all your stories from hebrew school and summer camp. 

First things first, give her a Jewish sounding name. But not too Jewish. You don't want sound like a liar in front of your relatives. (Oh, this would be a good time to make sure your hooker is not Asian or Black. Your racist grandparents would not approve of a prostitute - especially one who resembles the man at the deli who they claim is purposely giving them less pickles than they're entitled to.)

Anyway, call her Sarah. Jews love that name.  

Sixth Night

This certainly isn't your first Hanukkah, so you know by now that night #6 is usually pretty low key. This was probably "dictionary night" when growing up. It might as well not exist. 

However, when spending Hanukkah with a hooker, night six is just as essential as night one or night eight. But don't let her know that. Get her that dictionary. She'll probably be very surprised. Not because you didn't make any attempts to have sex with her. But because she can't read. 

Anyway, while lighting the menorah, break into uncontrollable laughter. When she asks what's so funny, say "oh nothing. Just something Jim from Accounting said the other day." Then repeatedly glance at your new axe. 

Seventh Night

This is a multiple step night. So pay attention:

1. Light the candles
2. Murder your prostitute with the axe. 
3. Eat potato latkes. So good!

Eighth Night

Ah, Hanukkah's final night. You'll undoubtedly be wondering "Where do I hide the body?" The answer is simple: 

Nobody really cares what you do with a hooker's body. That's part of the deal with you get a hooker. No duh. 

Call your parents to tell them you love them and you can't wait to use the J. Crew gift card they got you. Then proceed to forget about the card since you'd never shop at J. Crew. 

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