Dear Boy(s), Firstly, I'd like to say thank you for asking me this very serious question and secondly, know that you are not alone. In the words of Jay-Z, you’ve got 99 problems and a bee-yotch is one. Need to cut the fat? Take it from a chick who knows how other chicks think, there are ways to scare us off. See below, and you're welcome in advance.

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April 24, 2012

Dress Like a Guy Who Drinks Mountain Dew

jon-gosselin.jpgWear cargo pants, an Ed Hardy tee and grow out your sideburns until you can't really tell if it's very long hair or a disorder that should be documented on TLC.

The downside is you'll look like Jon Gosselin, but on the plus you'll be without women for years!!!

Take an Epic Dump In Our Bathroom

10.jpgDid you know girls can't actually poop? We never #2, ever.

So let it rip, pun intended, and loudly! Scare the shit out of us, even though it's a physical impossibility.

Be Chris Brown's #1 Fan

who_is_chris_brown_actually_dating.jpgAll of the emotional attachment you were saving for us? Direct it toward Chris Brown, you're new fictional BFF.

Memorize the words to a dozen or so of his songs, then serenade us with them, one after the other. Form an unhealthy need to Google image photos of Chris Breezy.

If all else fails, ask us to read your secret fan fiction blog that has some not so subtle gay undertones.

Pull a Marky Mark in "Fear"

tumblr_l4rg6y5v5k1qb6v5qo1_400.jpgYes, we want someone who can't get enough of us, but even ladies know when to say when.

(i.e. When you threaten our father, have sex with our BFF, finger bang us on a roller coaster, and carve our name into your chest.)

Employ a High Pitched Laugh

funny-dog-laughing-little-girl.jpgNo further explanation required.

Get a "YOLO" Tattoo

Zac-Efron-YOLO-tattoo.jpgIt doesn't necessarily have to be "YOLO" (You Only Live Once), other douchey options at your disposal are "Artisan," "Swag," and any arrows or symbols that point towards your dick.

Collect South Park Dolls

soutpark1.jpgIt's 2012, guys.

Your shrine to Cartman will terrify not just the ladies, but pretty much everyone including your parents and the author of this post.

Genuinely Like Nickelback's "How Your Remind Me" in a Non-Ironic Way

nickelback.jpgLet's cut the bullshit: we all know the words. That doesn't mean you have to like them.

Unless you're trying to ditch some chick and need an easy out, then you fucking love those lyrics.