I get sad every time I realize that Devon Sawa is dead. I loved him in “Casper the Friendly Ghost.” I also had a real crush on him back when he was in “Little Giants”. They were so little, and yet, they realized they could be...bigger? Or something. Anyway, turns out this dude is alive and has a pretty busy Twitter presence. Ironically I learned through his Twitter that Michael Clarke Duncan had died. Did you guys know that?
I know this actress has been around a long time and has been in a plethora of projects, but to me she’ll always just be “The dead chick who played a man in Ace Ventura.” But no, change that to “The totally alive chick who played a man in Ace Ventura.” I feel like she pops in and out of Hollywood, does something weird and creepy and then with that same fierce passion, just disappears into the night. And you’re like “Wait, who?” or “She’s scary.” But here’s the good news. She’s scary and she’s alive you guys.
The mumbler of Hip Hop. How I loved thee back in high school. You could slur rap lyrics with the best of them and although I was rarely sure what you were saying, you had the cutest dimples! I just wanted to dive into those dimples with a tent and some food and live there. Then you just up and disappeared from my life and I heard you became a Reverend or something? I never really knew for sure....And then you died. Right? Nope, wrong. You had an anti climactic comeback and then disappeared again. But you’re alive. So way to go on that.
Poor, dead, Jonathan Jackson. Wrong! I think after Jonathan Brandis and Brad Renfro sadly passed away, my brain just started tossing in a bunch of similar dudes with them like a big 90’s teen Smorgasbord. (Devon Sawa being another one.) But Jonathan is alive and well and he’s about to be on a remake of the show “Nashville”. And hey, that’s exciting and I’m super happy for him.
Taylor Dayne/ Tawny Kitaen
These two luscious ladies have faces that look like they've seen a lot. A few too many "parties" possibly. (parties (n): crock pots full of cocaine, 8-ways, and pin the tail on Sebastian Bach's...dick). I can’t figure out exactly why my brain decided they were dead, but it’s probably a combination of botox, sadness, Rock-N-Roll and Celebrity Rehab. And their names and faces are sorta similar right? Anyway, again, the good news is they be jammin mahn. So maybe now they’ll lay off all the stuff that makes people assume they’re dead? No? Ok, that’s cool too.
You’re just dead because I just thought you were River Phoenix for a really long time. Or another disturbed guy with great hair. Come to think of it, you might have been just bunched in with the other 90’s dudes. But now I know that you’re your own person Eddie. Full of vibrance and talent. Or not so much vibrance actually according to recent pictures. Let’s be careful with this one.
Corey Feldman/Corey Haim
Ok, here’s the thing. One of these guys is alive, but I'm not sure which one. Come on, I can’t be the only one here right? The Corey’s were so interchangeable. They’re just sort of the same person in my mind, except one was friends with Michael Jackson. One Corey has sadly passed to the great beyond but one is actually doing pretty well and I think working at the Whole Foods in West Hollywood? I’m not really sure and there’s obviously no way for me to find out. But I know I can’t be the only one who looks at pictures of them and is like “Oh it’s sad that he died. Or wait, not that one, the other one....Or no, yeah, he’s..all, good, right?”
She’s a sassy little minx that I assumed died a years ago. No? Ok. Well, I think because of a combination of crazy, tragic background and also she kinda reminds me of Elizabeth Taylor. Yo, remember when she married David Guest? That was weird. One of my favorite pictures of all time was spawned from that marriage and I wanted to share it with you for your pure enjoyment. I hope I have enriched your life....
Zachary Ty Bryan
Home Improvement didn’t "improve" his health..because he died. Ok, that was a real stretch in the pun department, but didn’t he have a drug problem or a weight problem or a fall from fame thing? To me he always lurked in Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s shadow and got really angry because the whole "using the middle name" thing was his idea but JTT totally stole it from him and got all the fame and eventually the pressure became too much. But then recently I’ve realized that I probably made all of that up. Cause he’s fine. Also, his eyes are piercing into your soul right now and sucking it out of you.
Jamie AKA Ray from “90210” AKA the dude who sang that song “How do you talk to an Angel?” I guess I figured he just needed to talk to an angel super bad so he died. Remember the episode when he threw Donna down a flight of stairs? Maybe I just got really emotional and wished him dead. I’ll never know, but thanks to the amazing VH1, which is an endless abyss of mind numbing reality shows, I found out through "Confessions of a Teen Idol" that Jamie Walters is thriving as a local Fireman in California somewhere.