When I think of the holidays, I think of porn. So here are my favorite holiday themed porns and what I can only assume their plot lines are.

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December 20, 2011

Frosty the Snow Ho

Frosty.jpgFirst off, I understand these ladies are wearing coats and hats and that’s responsible of them because they’re obviously in the frigid mountains somewhere, but they should seriously think about actually buttoning up the coats, no? At first it might just feel chilly, but eventually they’re going to get frost bite, hypothermia, and possibly something I just learned about called “trench foot.” But you ladies don’t even give a shit do you? By the looks of it, this delightful tale is about two women (I’m assuming Russian) who go into the snowy mountains to enjoy themselves, but soon realize that wearing a jacket over lingerie just doesn’t cut the mustard. So they get scared and cold and then happen upon a real live snowman. They decide after some careful deliberation (at least 20 seconds) that the only way to stay warm is not to “button up their coats” but to have a lot of sex with each other and the Snowman. Ultimately from all the heat they generate, they realize it wasn’t a real man at all but a man literally made of snow. Then he melts, leaving them alone again to fend for themselves. The women quickly discover that having sex with each other will keep them warm, and this works for a while and man is it sexy. But eventually they need food and water and shoes and they end up dying anyway.

THIS ISN’T Christmas Vacation- The XXX Parody

christmasvaycay_660.jpgI have to admit I love how most porn parodies just add the word “not” or “this isn’t”, such as “Not the Cosby Show” and “This Ain’t Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Seriously, those are real porns. Anyway, I know when most people wanna shoot a load they don’t even go NEAR a porn unless it’s in “HD Widescreen” so that’s why this film had the right idea. My guess is this film tells the story of NOT Chevy Chase inviting his whole NOT family over for Christmas time, and everything goes bananas! And by bananas (spoiler alert), I mean he ends up having sex with ALL of them. I also think some weird S&M might comes into play with him using Christmas lights to electrocute people for pleasure? I’m not entirely sure. And then on his way out, NOT Chevy Chase tells the woman in the bikini squatting, to take an adorable poop into that chimney. One thing’s for sure, even though mayhem ensures, everybody gets off. Merry Christmas everyone.

The Nutcracker

nutcracker.jpgOften times I get a little blue and think “Where’s my white ghetto fetish porn at?” And no one answers me because I’m talking to myself. But then a film like this comes along and I think that everything is going to be ok in the world. From the looks of it, this holiday film is probably about a young girl (over 18 of course) who hears the story of “The Nutcracker”, but is totally confused because she grew up in “the white ghetto” and never experienced lovely little wooden creatures that cracked open Chestnuts. Chest nuts to her were...well, I think you get it. Anyway, she gets home on Christmas night from drinking Alize with friends outside a gas station and unlocks the door to find Santa Claus in the flesh dropping presents under the tree. She of course thinks he’s an intruder and before Santa can explain she spends the next hour telling him HER version of “The Nutcracker.” I know this because in the bottom corner of the movie it gives me 100% guarantee of quite a few things. There aren’t a lot of guarantees in this life of ours so I’m glad that I know when a film says “Nut Kicking” I’m getting what I paid for.

Yo Yo Yo- A Very Black Christmas Tale

yoyoyo_01.jpgI’m pretty sure it’s ok to be blatantly stereotypical as long as it’s in the name of porn, right? Either way, this holiday tale is sure to lift your spirits, and your dicks. From the looks of it, this tale centers around these two sexy ladies helping to lift up Santa’s Sleigh. They show up as helpers (topless of course) to some creepy dirty barn where his Reindeer is sleeping. Santa broke down and the only way he feels motivated to fly again is if he can get his rocks off. Poor Mrs. Claus doesn’t do him right and he’s lookin for some “Yo Yo Yo” in his life. That’s all fine and sexy and good but my confusion and body shutters come from the large reindeer in the picture and the fact that he is starring “as himself.” It looks like he’s pretty depressed and down in the dumps, but maybe that’s because he’s poorly and blatantly photoshopped in. I really hope Santa doesn’t want the helpers to help ol Reindeer out. “Heatwave” entertainment probably just wants tease animal porn to get the real sickos hooked. Give them something to hope for. I’m just not prepared for those kinda visuals when I’m in the market for my Christmas porn. I mean, it’s the holidays, have some decency.

A Shemale for All Seasons

shemalepornstar_660.jpgI know what you’re thinking. “Wait, aren’t Shemales just for Autumn?” No, you’re wrong, and this porn is here to prove it. Shemale’s are for ALL seasons and especially Christmas time. Donned with an elf hat and cute little green outfit, Jules is here to give Season’s Greetings to everyone. (And by “Season’s Greetings” I mean oral sex). This story is probably about Jules ( not Khloe Kardashian as I momentarily asked myself) showing up while Santa is about to get the sleigh ready with presents up in the North Pole. Suddenly Jules shows up and Santa is perplexed and excited to realize that she is the best of both worlds. His excitement is contagious and he realizes he should share the Christmas spirit so he calls up the Grinch and is all “I know we haven’t done so great together over the holidays and you’re not super into them, but stop by my pad, I got a surprise for you.” And so the Grinch shows up and Santa introduces him to Jules. The Grinch laughs a hearty laugh and nods his head like “Oh Santa, you old so and so.” And then they double team Jules. So heartwarming you guys. Also it would be an amazing bonus if the greeting card in the corner of the video came as an added bonus. I would send them to all of my family, friends, and even loved ones.

The Tits that Saved XXXmas

Tits.jpgI’ll be the first to admit that tits can do a lot of wonderful things. They can make people happy just by looking at them. Touching them usually makes people even happier. And then of course they sustain life and help babies grow. But mostly they’re just fun to play with. That’s why I’m so happy “Boobsville.com” finally got their head out of their ass and proved that tits can “save” things. I would imagine this tale is about Santa being depressed because the winter months often do that to people. It’s called “Seasonal Affective Disorder” and Santa knows his big day will come and then the rest of the year no one gives a shit. So this group of hot ladies got together and said “Hey, we should go visit Santa and tell him how important he is! Give him hugs and compliments and maybe we take out our boobs and stuff them in his face almost suffocating him? That will surely “wake him” out of his depressive slumber and remind him how important Christmas is!” Then they go to the North Pole and maybe he happens to have sex with all of them in compromising positions and in front of Mrs. Claus, possibly with her. What else are the holidays about?

Texas Asshole Massacre

asshole.jpgOk, you got me. Technically this isn’t a holiday themed porn, but from just wanting to spread holiday joy, I had to include it on this list. And hey, it could make a GREAT gift so why not? First of all, what a cast for this porn spoof! I can already tell from the screen grabs of this group of characters, the acting is going to top notch. The story line is pretty clear I think. This little lady in the half shirt goes on a spree trying to save people from a killer in Texas. All she has to protect her is a giant dildo and.... Wait a minute...Do you think she’s the one doing the ass massacre? There’s one thing I think everyone can agree on. When people want porn they mostly look for “horrific ass-pounding action” so Evolution Erotica has that on lock down. I bet the leading lady ends up saving everyone’s butt-holes. I love a happy ending!