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November 03, 2010

I was thinking about it today What if I'm wrong about this God thing and Christ returns in my lifetime? It's a very, very small chance, but I think I should have a basic game plan. Here it is.

  1. Loot That's right, a lot of Christians will have ascended up to heaven during the Rapture. That means their stuff will just be laying around. Good. More for me. Don't think I'm joking either. After the Black Death swept through Europe the survivors got a lot of free stuff.
  2. Write a few Letters to the Editor. That's right I've got some stuff to kvetch about. Just because I was wrong about God being all powerful (and even that may be a bit iffy going into the Apocalypse)  I still think he isn't all good. My opinion is that he's not just - he's just a big bully. I've got facts on my side.
  3. Make fun of all the televangelists left behind. Ha! I told you those f*ckers were in it for the cash... and the male prostitutes of course.
  4. Drink It is the Apocalypse and who knows how long the liquor will last.
  5. Buy a lot of bug killer. Supposedly there will swarms of locusts (what else?). I think God should mix it up and send a swarm of killer ladybugs. Wait, I have an idea for a Syfy channel movie...
  6. I plan to continue to be an a**hole. Those who have not worshipped the Beast will rule with the martyred saints during the 1,000 years the Beast is in the pit. Swell, count me out. I'm not in the worshipping business. I have my principles.
  7. I plan to sign up for as many credit cards as possible. It's the end of the world and credit is always king. The best thing is I won't have to pay any of it back... the world is ending.
  8. Stock up on porn. I don't know how long the internet will stay up during the Tribulation. My survival kit would have: water purification tablets, beef jerky, and porn... maybe Cocoa Pebbles and some milk too.
  9. I plan to move to Kentucky. I hear it's fifty years behind the rest of the country and that should buy me some time (paraphrasing Mark Twain).
  10. Change my last name to Zinn. I always liked Johnny Quest.

I think that is a solid plan because...

this is Purgatory.