The Best Halloween Costume: Black Shirt

Hey, it’s topical.  Jobs is known for his black turtle necks and jeans, which is a pretty cheap outfit for the richest man in the world.  If you are very insensitive, you could go as Zombie Steve Jobs.  Zombies are really “in” right now.

The good thing about dressing as Gervais is that you can be his “before” picture or his “after” picture, meaning he used to be a big fat guy.  So if you’re obese you can go as “Early Ricky Gervais” and if you’re in shape you can go as “Present Day Ricky Gervais.”  Although, if you have a beard or big sunglasses you must go as Present Day Ricky Gervais. 

Looking like Gervais isn’t enough, you’re going to have to act like him.  Make sure you speak in a British accent and have a really loud laugh.  Maybe make a speech that turns into a roast where you insult all the party attendees.  If you want it to be really topical, call all the dumb people “mongs,” and plug your new show Life Too Short and season 2 of HBO’s The Ricky Gervais Show.  You could also discuss how you just joined Twitter and say “All this fan mail gets old, yeah?”

So you have a black shirt but you happen to have a weird mustache?  Not a problem.  Actor James Franco frequently wears black shirts and  just happens to have a really weird ‘stache.  Carry a big stack of scripts and textbooks with you and say “Yeah, I’m enrolled in twenty five colleges right now and am in the middle of shooting about twelve art films. So I guess I’m pretty busy.”   Then you can either get high or act like you’re really high, either way works.

If you’re a balding red head, you can go as the great comedian Louis CK.  If you’re a thin African American gentleman, you can go as Chris Rock.  If you have a friend of the opposite race, consider going as Louie and Rock together, since they’re friends in real life.  This is probably a bad idea, since you won’t be as funny as either one and you’ll just end up being some guy in a black t-shirt that keeps getting asked “where’s your costume?”

What’s the difference between Yanni and Kenny G? There isn’t one because nobody knows or cares.  If you have a huge mustache, go as Yanni.  If you have weird hair and look unshaven, go as Kenny G.  Well, I’m just guessing because I don’t know which one is which.  Also, get a saxophone or whatever it is that they play.

This costume is about a year late but LOST fans will still appreciate it.  You’ll also need three other supplies: a friend, a recording of a clicking sound, and a bag of charcoal. You also may want to carry around a numbered list of everyone at the party and cross off names as the night goes on.

Once at the party, say hello to everyone.  Make sure to act like you’re mad at someone and then leave the room.  Once you’re gone, Have your friend light the charcoal so that it generates a bunch of black smoke and then have him turn on the tape of the clicking sound.  People will be like “Where’s all that smoke coming from?” , “What’s that noise?” ,”Where did the Man In Black guy go?”, and “Oh my God, we’re all going to die!”

Soon there will be a ton of black smoke covering the room.  Maybe have your friend taser or electrocute a few guys while the smoke is heavy.  Once the smoke dies down, you’ll appear right where the smoke was.  Everyone will wonder if you really are the Black Smoke Monster.  When you appear, make sure to say something cryptic like “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”  Finally, break a bunch of wine bottles and say “You can’t contain me anymore, Jacob.  You can’t contain me.”

If you have long hair and plan on getting belligerently drunk, you may want to consider going as Ozzy Osbourne.  That way, you can say a bunch of stuff that nobody understands yet remain completely in character.  Optional accessories include fake tattoos and a bat which you will bite the head off of (real or fake, it’s up to you).

The Man In Black, self explanatory.