Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 18, 2010

Let’s face it. In today’s hardscrabble economy, a bachelor’s degree isn’t much of an asset, especially if it’s a liberal arts degree. All that knowledge you crammed into your brain and all those Goldschlager puke stains you left behind were for naught. Your reward is tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt, a stack of alumni letters asking for donations, and a liver that is now in far from mint condition.

So, in the spirit of going green and recycling every worthless piece of junk imaginable, I present to you:

7 New Uses for Your Practically Useless College Diploma

7. Paper Airplane

When’s the last time you flew a paper airplane? Unless you’re an elementary school teacher or a hapless drunk with shattered dreams of becoming a pilot, I’m guessing it’s been quite a while.

Well, now you can take all that “reach for the sky” hogwash your relatives filled your ears with during your graduation party and make it literal! Unfortunately you’ll probably make a lousy plane that fares about as well as Pan Am Flight 103, because you were busy taking Interpretive Dance 110: New Vistas of the Body instead of Physics, and therefore have no understanding of lift, thrust, etc. (pelvic thrusting doesn't count).

6. Place Mat

A good way to keep your mattress clean while spooning failure slop into your maw. Plus, you can draw your own maze onto the parchment, with every path leading toward a dead end.

5. Acid Blotter

Me: “You know, this one is actually a bit ironic because a friend of mine from school -- also a history major -- wrote his senior thesis about a local house that operated as a bad trip comedown center in the 70s. Well, that’s not what they called it back then, but you get the idea. Anyway, his paper was about the intersection of drug culture and…”

My Boss: “Hey Wavy Gravy, can you just shut the fuck up and throw that Meat Lover's Pizza in the oven?”

4. Makeshift Bonnet

Maybe you could, uh, show up at some Amish community looking like…an Amish hobo? And then, like, they’d be forced to take you in, right? Because otherwise their God would destroy their butter churns and render every wizened face beardless, as is my understanding of The Bible.

I don’t know. Being Amish is probably better than having fluorescent lights leech your humanity as you gulp down sugar water in a windowless break room at Toys R Us after half a shift of stocking shelves with motion sensor baby dolls who won’t stop calling you “mommy.”

3. Blanket

During the early days of the Great Depression, the destitute men and women who slept on city benches would cover themselves in newspapers, which they called "Hoover blankets," in order to keep warm.

Allow me to present to you a modern day equivalent: the "Bush Snuggie" (patent pending).

2. Toilet Paper

Yeah, you probably saw this one coming from a mile away. But the thing is: Your diploma would be softer than those razor rolls of Butt Cutlery you’ve been stealing from your fast food job.

1. Kindling for a Rage Fire

Step 1: Go to the nearest wooded area near your home (or hobo encampment).

Step 2: Strip naked.

Step 3: Roll up your diploma and stuff it with twigs and dry leaves.

Step 4: Light it with a match.

Step 5: Scream incantations at the top of your lungs as you commune with the malevolent forces who inhabit the forest primeval.

Step 6: Begin touching your flame to the drought-parched trees, planting, if you will, a seed of your own.

Step 7: Stand back, look upon what you have wrought, and yell over the din of the flames, “I have excellent typing skills!”