It's Splitsville For You & Mr. Wonderful
Don’t wait until the actual breaking-up process is over to start taking action. Be proactive, girl! Technology has diversified the ways in which the actual breakup can go down. In olden days, men were restricted to breaking a woman’s heart either in person, over the phone or via the ultimate old-school method– a handwritten letter. Fellas today can get the deed done with a pseudo-heartfelt email or even by – gasp! – text. Gentlemen looking for a way out of relationship while using the least amount of the contents of their nutsacks can do it via a status update or by simply ignoring your texts and calls. (Men, ladies LOVE this tactic.)
No matter how the hand-woven-with-love rug that was your relationship is being pulled out from beneath you, it’s important to spring into action right away. Sneak in the bathroom, hold your phone beneath the table, put him on speaker so you can argue and text at the same time – it doesn’t matter how you do it, but you MUST reach out to every girlfriend you have. Get your sympathy Army ready. It doesn’t matter if he hasn’t actually broken up with you yet, the word “asshole” should be halfway typed in a mass text.
Your girls will make you feel better in no time while they help you rip apart that jerk’s every flaw and tell you how you deserve better. They’re right. You do. What a jerk for breaking up with you, even if you did cheat on him with his brother. Asshole.
Audible Girl Power
Now, getting support from your friends is great, but there will come the time when their answers to your texts come slower and slower as their boyfriends show up and they snuggle down in front of Grey’s Anatomy, giggling while eating Lo Mein from Chinese take-out boxes, the dim light from the Macbook casting a romantic glow on their noodle-slurping faces.
When this time comes, you’ll be tempted to weep and binge eat, overcome by the sudden quiet. DON’T! Before you open that refrigerator door, remember that instead of filling the emptiness growing within you with food, you can do it with alcohol! Pour yourself a drink, sexy. You deserve it. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve been through so much, don’t even think twice about emptying that bottle of Merlot or the bottle after that or the one after that. There, there. But what fun is drinking alone without dancing? Drinking alone and dancing go together like Zack and Kelly. You may be tempted to reach for the classic post-breakup tunes in this time of grief, the Alanis, Sinead O’Connor, Fiona Apple, Jewel playlist. You need to be empowered, you need to feel sexy, you need lyrics about whoring it up, because that’s exactly what you’re going to do. Some classics for this playlist are:
- Lil’ Kim – Magic Stick -- With lyrics like, “When I headbang, you’re head over heels,” you’ll be feeling better in no time!
- Salt-n-Peppa – None of Your Business – “Don’t be sweatin’ what I do, I’m gonna be just fine, check it out: If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight, it’s none of yo’ business.” That’s the mentality, girlfriend!
- Akinyele -- Put It In Your Mouth – What better way to get over a man than with some nostalgia? This one-hit-wonder will take you back to 1999, doing the dirty on a foosball table in a Christmas-light illuminated dorm room. The heartfelt intro on this musical masterpiece delivers an important message: “My baby left me. Left me sad and blue. Then I met his best friend and he took me to his house. And I said, ‘Put in my mouth.’” Moving. Akinyele (who?) knows the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one, which brings us to our next tip:
Change out of the sweatpants, wash that greasy hair, pour yourself into something entirely too small for your body and get out of that wine-bottle-filled apartment, you slob! You’re not going to meet a man to distract you from Mr. Jerkface while hibernating. While getting ready to go out, remember it’s important to begin rebuilding your confidence by documenting every step of the getting-ready process via iPhone mirror shots on every social-networking platform you belong to. Don’t forget! Making a duck face is crucial to your recovery.
You’re single now, chica! Single and mingling! You don’t need a man to validate you. Now is the time to let everyone know. You should be given plenty of opportunities while out on the town to boisterously celebrate your singledom. Whether you’re at a concert, comedy show or club, someone will ask the room, “Any single ladies here?” This is your moment. Celebrate your newfound solitude with the loudest, shrillest “Woo!” you can muster. Remember, the louder the woo, the more likely it drowns out your inner crying. It’s just science.
Make Bad Decisions
If you’ve made it this far, congrats! You’re almost over that inconsiderate lowlife who hurt you. The ultimate way to forget about the awful decision you made by dating him to begin with is to make even worse decisions! Has the janitor at work winked at you as he empties your desk trash? Make a move! That’s what supply closets are for, lady! Plus, the jingle of keys will forever turn you on! (Or make you cringe. It’s a gamble, but one that’s worth it.)
Say YES, YES, YES to the young dude who’s been hitting on you at the gym. So what if he’s 19 and lives at home with his parents? He’s legal and just think about all the great stories he’ll have to tell in the Taco Bell breakroom! Make enough poor decisions you’ll later wish you could erase from your memory, and you’ll also be able to erase the jerk who tossed you aside.
So, that’s it. If this handy guide failed to lead you to recovery, you should probably consider yourself unlovable, adopt 17 cats, fill your Netflix queue with Sandra Bullock flicks and get used to the pizza delivery guy referring to you as “Hello Kitty PJ Pants.”