Tapas bars are trendy Spanish restaurants popping up all over metropolitan areas where you order nothing but appetizers. Okay, I’m sure they phrase it so it sounds fancier than cheese sticks and onion straws served with your choice of dipping sauce, but in a nutshell that’s all tapas are: apps. Take a girl to TGIFridays and order the sampler platter to split and she’s pissed. Take her to Mercat ala planxa and she knows she may one day be invited to wed. The atmosphere is intimate, the plates are small and the prices are high. It’s the perfect date destination. Just meet a new girl on Match.com? Take her to tapas! Ready to try to slide into home base with your new girlfriend? Take her to tapas! Got a mistress who just found out your wife is pregnant again? Take her to tapas! Personally, in all my single life I never once got invited to tapas. I came to realize that in the straight dating world there is a certain demographic of women that receives this elusive invitation and I am not part of that group. I am however in several other groups, such as “Let’s go dutch”, “Can you float me?” and “Buffets are great!” I decided to launch a full-scale investigation to get to the root of the matter. Why do certain women get wined and dined at Café Iberico and the rest of us are left hoping our boyfriends can get a Groupon to The Melting Pot? After conducting exhaustive research, I’ve created a formula for getting escorted to appetizer heaven. Take these steps ladies and you’ll finally know what it feels like to leave a restaurant famished.
1. Get a big purse
There seems to be a relationship between the purse-size to girl-size ratio and getting invited to tapas. Giant purse, tiny girl = tapas. Red pleather purse from Payless=Asian Buffet.
2. Never be hungry
Always act like you can’t finish your plate of food. If you slip up and finish your dinner, definitely don’t ask for a bite off your date’s plate. If you do, I can promise you, your next destination won’t be Café Ba Ba Reeba.
3. Don't talk politics
Actually don’t vote, even in local elections. Straight guys trying to impress girls at Zarzuela don’t want to be out done by your book smarts and news reading.
4. Don't wear weather appropriate clothing
If it is negative 30, you should be sporting a skirt, no panty hose and open-toed, high-heel shoes. If you have on your Northface triple down coat, Ugg Boots and a turtleneck sweater, be ready to feast on some KFC.
5. Whine when you’re tired, bored or thirsty
Remember, never be hungry.
6. Be the girl who will read her boyfriend’s email if he leaves it open on his computer
Crazy girls always get invited to tapas. They also seem to get flowers and long-term commitments.
7. Always look bored
Or vacant. Or vacant and bored.
8. Don't laugh
Giggle. Those of us who like to guffaw never get invited to intimate dining situations.
9. Don't get married
Once a man knows you will sleep with him without having to go to Sangria! first, you can forget it. The dream is over. Your only option at this point is to trick him.
I can’t guarantee results if you use my approach. Since I never got invited to tapas most of my research was based on what I could glean as I walked by Tapas Las Ramblas in my Chicago neighborhood. You’re only allowed to look in the window for so long before the manager comes out and tells you to move on. I’ve also spent a good deal of time observing the advertisements on the El train and menus posted in restaurant windows. Both lead me to believe that all the servers at tapas bars carry fencing swords and things get expensive when you charge by the bite. Good luck ladies! May you be feasting, well nibbling, on paella soon! Sincerely, Bitch