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Hurricane Sandy has succeeded in shutting down NYC for a few days. So, here are some ideas on how to keep from turning all "Jack From the Shining" during the resulting cabin fever. You're welcome.
Published November 01, 2012 More Info »
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Published November 01, 2012

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After "Frankenstorm" Sandy destroyed much of the North East, all of us here in NYC are stuck playing 1800s; bathing ourselves with cold pitchers of water, reading by candle light and of course, hoping displaced subway rats don't bring back The Bubonic Plague. So, I've composed this list of the top 5 ways to keep yourself from re-enacting the following famous movie scene in your own homes. You're welcome!

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5. FACEBOOK BATTLE ROYALE '12

All this talk of displaced rats but WON'T ANYONE THINK OF THE TROLLS?!?!?!

Look, we are all bored, so why not spice things up a little? Raise the stakes and use that last bar of battery to get into a seemingly arbitrary facebook fight! That way the excitement of seeing how many “likes” your clever Romney retort got when the power finally comes back on will give you something to live for.

I mean I was just gonna give up and die but then I remembered I was in the middle of an epic REDDIT fight over the Lohan family. How can I die without defending Lindsay?! Like a coward, my good friend, a coward.

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4. THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!!

Study and then perform your favorite storm monologue! After all, if there is anything our city needs, it's more failed actors loosing every semblance of sanity and turning to harassing people on the street...

For example, memorize the eulogy from The Perfect Storm and then recite it over the first drowned rat carcasses you can find:

“They say sword-boatmen suffer from a lack of dreams. That's what begets their courage. Well,  we'll dream for you: Billy and Bobby, and Murph, Bugsy, Sully, and Alfred Pierre. Sleep well. Good Night.”

As you say this last line, drape a white sheet over said "fallen heroes" and take a bow, you've earned it.

Or, try my personal favorite, the “Lt. Dan VS the storm” monologue. Although, this one is admittedly better on the night of the actual storm, it can still work if you manage to tuck your legs under and safety pin your pant sleeves just right...

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3. GIMME DUH LOOT, get duh money, dollah, dollah billz yallllll...

Because nothing says “I love my city” like taking advantage of it while it's in peril!  If this kind of activity interests you, feel free to also go to shelters and dump your canned food items into the sewers in front of the long lines of dejected people, while chanting "nahnahnahnah, poopoo!!! You can't haveeee anyyyyyy!!!".

Start a point system to make it more exciting! 5pts for every small business owner's dreams you crush and 10pts for every hungry child you make cry! Winner gets to be loaded into a catapault and kertawanged into the Atlantic ocean! That way those of us with a conscience can get in on the fun too.

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2. Open an upper class "RAT INN"

Build a “Rat Inn” for Billy and Bobby, and Murph, Bugsy, Sully etc.'s surviving peers. Offer massages, spa treatments (feces removal), yoga and meditation for today's rat on the run! Be sure to include daily classes on how to get the most out of spreading disease throughout the city. After all, we may be out of work for the week but that doesn't mean they have to be.

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& the OBVIOUS #1, storm sex!

The great NYC blackout of 1965 lead to not only looting (see number 3) but also a baby boom. So while not having to actually LOOK at your partner allows for some opportunistic boning, just make sure you can still see the condom or your birth control pills. Unless of course, you want a bunch of little Sandy’s running around destroying all the shit you just spent 9 months putting back together. Or just make your local Home Depot proud and use the tears shed over the damage as lube for a more “do it yourself” approach.

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***NOTE: Volunteering & checking up on elderly or disabled neighbors may also be good ways to stay busy, but honestly what's going to make you feel better about yourself? Re-enacting classic movie scenes with dead rats or helping people in need? It's a no-brainer. That said,  can someone help me pin my pant legs back?!

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