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June 26, 2011


The Japanese call it kakekotoba--the poetic pun, the word that twists meaning. Puns are the highest art of comedy. No set up, no release, no tension--merely the recognition of phonetic similarity.

Obama received the minority vote in the last election; he won that race.

I asked my math teacher if he was all set. He told me no, he was more of a sequence.

My friend's suicide attempt was a total misunderstanding. I told him to cut in line!

I noticed my friend crying, so I asked her if she was all right. She said, "Not at all! I'm left-handed!"

No purveyor of pun was mightier than Groucho Marx. Marx taught comedians a lot of things: how to be angry, smoke cigars, and groom mustaches, to name a few. But no lesson from Marx was greater than the pun. He taught us that all we had to do was recognize synonyms. And marry younger women.

Pictures of cats

Can haz lulz? If the internet hasĀ  taught us three things, it's that we have no privacy, people have some crazy fetishes, and that cats are the funniest things on Earth.

The only thing that could have made Richard Pryor funnier is if he were a cat.
Richard Purrrryor wouldn't just be an edgy stand up spitin' the truth on the mic; he would also pause between jokes to lick himself. TOO CUTE!

And if Stephen Colbert were cat? C'mon, what's cuter than a cat pretending to be a republican?

Carrot Top? What about Calico Top?

All I'm saying is, we can definitely replace Leno with that cat from youtube that jumps in and out of boxes.


Black people love racial humor as much as they love watermelon. And don't worry, I have black friends so I can say that.

A lot of comedian back away from racial humor because they're too afraid to spit the truth (is that the second time I've used that phrase about black people doing stand up? Sorry.). BUT YALL, I'M ONLY SAYIN IT CAUSE IT BE TRUE!

So white women, why won't y'all give up the butt? And Asians, you got to look up from your calculators when you drive!

(Please don't beat me up. I'm being sarcastic.) (By which I mean, I don't actually have black friends.)

Dane Cook

Dane Fucking Cook.

And you can quote me on that.