“Why are you sleeping on the couch?” has been a question that people have asked ever since Jonathon Couch invented the couch in the Spring of 1843 and up until earlier today a definitive list of reasonable answers has never been compiled, but here it is:

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May 17, 2013

1. She’s Mad At You

Your girlfriend, fiancé, or wife is mad at you – and I say “or” because if you have a girlfriend, fiancé, AND a wife chances are one of them will be mad at you at any given time (especially if they find out that you have a girlfriend, fiancé, and a wife). In short, you’re sleeping on the couch because you’re a terrible boyfriend, fiancé, husband, and human being.

2. You’re Freeloading

Sure, you’re buying a 6-pack every once in a while so it looks like you’re pulling your own weight, but admit it: you’re a good-for-nothing freeloader who’s been crashing on your college buddy’s couch for the past 3 months while you, “look for a job.” Quit slacking off, Trevor. It’s time to get your own place and your own couch.

3. You Fell Asleep Watching ‘Bad Boys II’ Again

After another long day at the office you came home, sat down on your couch, turned NetFlix on, and started watching “Bad Boys II” starring Martin Lawrence and Will Smith. This is the fourth time you’ve tried to watch the entire 2-hour-and-6-minute Michael Bay-directed action-comedy flick in as many days despite the fact that you can’t help but doze off midway through the scene where the Bad Boys confront that Haitian gang leader. The movie’s high energy and all but what a long day...

4. Your Bed’s On Fire

Your bed’s on fire. You can’t sleep there.

5. You Got Locked In An Ikea

While shopping in Ikea for a cheap-yet-durable Home Entertainment Glörk you realize that the employees and other customers are nowhere to be found, which means the store must have closed for the night. Luckily, you’re in a furniture store! Unluckily, you’re in a massive furniture store and can’t even find one twin-sized Dråsh to sleep on. But fear not! You’re in a section that has a wide variety of soft leather, corduroy, and linen fabric Vlööbles to choose from. So get comfy.

6. There’s A Full-Grown, Hostile Octopus In Your Bedroom

A full-grown, hostile octopus has taken control of your bedroom. You might be able to fight off one, two, maybe even three of his tentacles, but he has eight! There’s no way you’re getting that sea creature out of your apartment on your own. Your roommate said he’d help you get rid of it, but now he’s out on another date with that girl Jessica he met on Match.com. If Ryan’s not back soon it looks like you’re staying put on the couch for another night. Just don’t do anything stupid with that harpoon, okay?

7. Aliens Abducted You

The aliens who abducted you and are currently studying your living habits have set you up in an “acceptable Earthling home” and apparently they seem to think the couch is where most humans prefer to sleep. There may not be a bed in the glass-enclosed dwelling that resembles an "average human living room," but at least there’s a TV with NetFlix streaming so you can try to finish “Bad Boys II.”