In Newport, Kentucky, Woody Will Smith’s defense lawyer is expected to make the case that Woody Will was so disoriented from caffeine consumption that he did not intentionally kill his girlfriend in 2009. Take a moment to soak that in. Maybe pour yourself a cup of coffee. Don’t kill anything, though. Or do kill something. Just make sure to have a bunch of empty Jolt cans present at the scene of the crime. Now if this argument actually works and Woody Will’s sentence is reduced, imagine what it could mean for criminals everywhere, especially celebrities. With the “I was fucked up” defense set as a precedent, there would be no stopping our favorite B-listers from binging, violating,... more »

Full Credits

Stats & Data

Defendent #1

“The defendant was unable to make a clear judgment as to whether the substance found on her person was cocaine or chewing gum because all she had consumed for the last 72 hours was cocaine and chewing gum.”

Defendent #2

“My client did not understand that it is illegal to physically assault a paparazzo because he was mentally impaired by whatever it is that makes him look like a Tim Burton-inspired muppet.”

Defendent #3

“The couple was unaware that the guest house they destroyed did not belong to them due to the level of persistent intoxication they’ve maintained since Independence Day, by which I’m referring to the 1996 film and not the national holiday.”

Defendent #4

“Honestly, bitch is too drunk and high to do anything right.  Let’s just lock her up for a week or so and then move her into a posh treatment center.”