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For the record, I am not looking down on any of this. I'm just as guilty as anyone when it comes to these - it's only later that I took a step back and began questioning my decision making. Nevertheless, carry on, Internet. Keep doing what you're doing.
Published August 10, 2011 More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Pedophile Expert: John Townsend

Posting Pictures of a Scantily-Clad Kelly Kapowski

On the surface, yes, we're quelling the desires of our twelve-year old selves. That's fair. If 17 years ago you told me that I could be scrolling through Tumblr blogs, finding Bayside's bustiest in her green one-piece, I'd disregard that you're talking in space-lingo because Kelly in a bathing suit? I'm pretty positive those summer episodes of Saved by the Bell invented erections for a whole generation, so obviously I'd be game. How about that pic of Kelly in a bra and suspenders?



Pretty attractive FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD, guys. Look at it this way: If someone sent you a picture of a fifteen-year-old in a bra that you did not know, you would immediately throw your computer in the garbage for fear that whoever spies on pedophiles was by chance monitoring your online activity (at your trial, the prosecution would refer to the countless times you referred to "cool stories" and calling people "bro" as evidence to your instabilty). Anyway, what I'm getting at is that at some point we all decided to ignore the fact that we're now adults and let ourselves be inundated with pictures of sexy fifteen year-olds.

Only one man is allowed to hold onto pics of Ms. Kapowski. That man, however, once owned a life-sized cardboard cutout of her likeness without her knowing.


Speculating on the Dating Life of Justin Bieber

"Did you see that picture of Justin Bieber kissing his new girlfriend? Biebs of course was wearing no shirt. Who was the pubescent girl with him? Selena Gomez? Who's Selena Gomez? I should probably look up pictures of her while I'm obsessing over her identity."
-All of us, when we found out that Justin Bieber was dating someone, which means we scoured the internet for pictures of teenagers making out.



If Justin Bieber had a sex tape that thing would hit 1,000,000 views within the hour. And we'd all be in jail by the end of the day. Cool pedophilia, everyone. If we wanted to obsess over whoever an adult celebrity like Kathy Bates (to each their own) is sleeping with, fine, go ahead. But say you had a teenage child and they came home, gossiping about who the hottest guy in school was dating, I highly doubt you'd be like "pics or it didn't happen." Alas we unfortunately live in a "Pics or it Didn't Happen" world. And thus, we must comb the Internet for pictures of teenagers french kissing.

Counting the Days Before Attractive Child Stars Turn 18

Sure, sometimes we get lucky. Sometimes we see a child in Remember the Titans and think "Oh she'll be hot some day" and then she disappears from the mainstream, only to reappear as a cheerleader in danger, fully developed and ready to celebrate her 18th birthday. Right, guys? We all did that. Right????



But some times those gals do not go into hiding. Sometimes they stick around and make farcical adventures in which they looking fucking banging play cowgirls.



And then we all proceed to count the days until they turn 18. What is wrong with us? Did we really scout out children and wait for the day when it was legal to have sex with them*? One day they're 17 years and 364 days old and the next, they're 18 years old. What changed? Nothing. Their body and emotional development is exactly the same. We, however, officially solidified ourselves as non-acting pedophiles.

*We also for some reason assumed that the Emma Watsons of the world, once they reach legal age, would all of a sudden be attracted to the types of guys who sit around, crossing off days on their calendar as they await children to turn 18. That's obviously her type.

And of course… Pedobear

"Oh what are you laughing at?"
"Just the idea that a bear, who by the way represents the horrors of pedophilia, is hunting a small child."
"Hilarious."




But like I said...

Carry on, Internet.
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