It's one slap of the shark face after another with these guys.

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Shark Whisperer: Dan Abramson

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Screen Shot 2011-08-03 at 2.04.44 PM.pngHey. A shark here. As you probably know, it's "Shark Week," which to sharks is the most insulting week of the year. A glorified shaming of our species. Let's a take a look at how they put us down all while entertaining potheads throughout the country. 

1. The So-Called "Expert"

They constantly parade interview subjects around, claiming them to be shark "experts." No dice. In Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, expert status is achieved after dedicating at least 10,000 hours to a specific field of study. Now let's think about how much time a shark-diver spends with sharks; the time spent in the cage while we watch/make fun of their artificial gills from afar does not count. You're looking at maybe 8 seconds of contact (tops) as we approach them and begin gnawing on their delicious steel bars (What do you put in those, by the way? They are to die for). Factor in the two second "Air Jaws" clip we occasionally perform, we're looking at ten seconds a day of exposure. Those are no experts. 

2. Flying Sharks

Speaking of jumping out of the water, the producers of Shark Week LOVE to show this. The airborne shot. It's a great image so we understand that you'd want to use it. But to be fair, not all sharks have the athletic prowess to perform this, and it misrepresents us to the general public. It's like if Discovery channel had "Black People Week" and just showed shots of Michael Jordan jumping from the foul line. What I'm getting at is not all sharks are good at basketball. 

3. There's Always a Segment on How to Survive a Shark Attack

Nice try. We're not letting you get away. There's only one man who has ever bested a shark. He is pictured below: 

4. Reruns. Always With the Reruns.

Getting the rights to the footage in which we tear apart human beings is costly. We license this shit out of those clips (our cameramen are union, and oh boy, don't get me started on those negotiations), so we get it. But if you're going to do an annual shark week, you're going to need to update your archive. For the past few years, we're just coming off as stale, appearing to use the same techniques in which we maul your researchers over and over again. I promise you that this is not the case. 

5. Still With the 'Jaws' Theme Music?

C'mon guys. You're better than that.