Perhaps the most crucial
part of a classic bowling alley is itâs dÃ©cor that has remained unchanged from
Carson to Leno to Conan and back to Leno again. Chances are you can find a picture of your parents at the
bowling alley before you were born and the bowling alley will look exactly the
same, only gently aged. Your Dadâs
massive mustache and bell bottoms might have gone out of style but that classic
1970âs bowling alley look didnât.
Itâs not a bowling alley if it doesnât smell. Thereâs something oddly comforting about the aroma of aerosol spray and second hand smoke all mixed together. No matter where you go in the building, you should always smell the faint aroma of used shoes in the distance. To sum it all up, when you leave the bowling alley people should tell you âYou smell like a bowling alleyâ.
Every bowling alley has a
group of old republicans with bad comb-overs. They chain smoke, drink pitchers of beer, and sneak liquor
in to the premises. They will say
things that will sound offensive to people born after 1955. Conversation topics include
âblacksâ, who got the most women in 1952, Moose Lodges, and âthat damned
these old guys should have cool names like Stan and E.Z. and take league matches
way too seriously.
The concession stand will be run by a lady who looks like she could be your grandma, except that she has a partial goatee. All of the food on the menu will be fried and all of it will be surprisingly nasty. The most popular items will be cheese fries, cheap Miller High Life beer, and burnt coffee. You know itâs not a sport if you can eat cheese fries while youâre in the middle of the action.
The scoring system will look like a giant Atari game from the 80âs. It will break after every 5 rolls. There will be an intercom button that you press to talk to the front desk for help, however, you will not be able to hear them and they will not be able to hear you. The keyboard of the system will have itâs letters and numbers worn away from decades of use, making the machine basically useless. There will also be a giant television with the scores on it hanging from the ceiling. Itâs so large and so old, you will worry about it falling on you and killing you while youâre taking a handful of cheese fries.
Maybe discos went out of
style in the 70âs, but like the alleyâs dÃ©cor, it remains a steadfast fixture
of the bowling alley. Just one
night a week they turn down the lights and turn up the Funkadelic, switch on
the strobe lights, and turn on the disco ball. Disco night brings in the most business, with creepy
weirdos, drunk while high teenagers, and little kids birthday parties all
Everyone loves The Big Lebowski, but some love it too
much. These people dress in
bathrobes, drink White Russians and Miller Genuine Drafts all day, smoke pot on
the drive to the alley, and use the term âdudeâ an unhealthy number of
times. Also, after every roll they
will shout âOVER THE LINE!! MARK IT ZERO!!â They dress like The Dude, Walter, and Donny, and never break
character. These people must have
learned method acting from DeNiro, unfortunately, they donât have the wit of
Jeff Bridges or John Goodman and are far too drunk to bowl a decent game.