"Let's mock someone who's clearly about to die." - Everyone. Myself included.

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March 01, 2011

1. He's Going to Die in a Few Days

If Charlie Sheen's death was announced, how many of us would actually be surprised? In the whole world, I'd say maybe fourteen. So basically, we will have all spent the last days of a human being (who was awesome in Men at Work, by the way) mocking that very human being. So while yes, Sheen has been firing out notable quotables at will, and oh boy are they notable, it's getting to the point where I'm starting to get uncomfortable at mocking someone on the verge of dying. We're only steps away from walking into a hospice and pointing and laughing. 

2. He May Actually be Dead Already

Look at the guy above. That is not what living people look like. So if that's just a corpse the Today Show and friends have been trotting out there, we'll all feel terrible when we realize that this whole time we've been mocking a dead body. Real life isn't Weekend at Bernie's, no matter how much we want it to be. 

3. He's Obviously an Insane Person

Quick question -- Would you go visit a mental institution and then crack jokes about all the crazies in there? No, because that would be fucking weird. Assuming he does not die, there's a high probability that Sheen's going to undergo some extensive psychiatric treatment. What perfectly sane man goes around talking about the tiger blood that flows through his disease-curing brain? If you said "that doesn't exist," you'd be correct.

4. This Studious Corgi

We could be spending our days focusing on this little guy. He's a much-needed distraction.

Great, so what were we talking about? Oh right...

5. Instead, We Should Celebrate Jon Cryer

You think your coworker is bad? Think about having to show up for work every day for nine years to hear your cubicle-mate repeatedly call himself a "warlock." This guy deserves a hearty round of applause (or at the least a golf clap). And a raise. 

6. Perhaps We Should Gear our Attention to the People Interviewing Charlie Sheen.

Especially these two. Ugh. 

Congrats, you guys! You did you an amaaaazing job conducting an interview in which every question you asked could be translated to "This might prompt him to say something insane and thus boost my career." Oh journalism. 

7. Hot Shots (Both Parts)

Never forget.