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September 29, 2010

Google is an evil evil thing when you are bored. You learn things. SCARY things. Not only will it teach you why you should stay the hell out of the water (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=399440596607 ) but it will teach you why man NEEDS to visit the stars. Here are 7 good reasons for us to kiss the Earth goodbye! 

1. Hippopotamuses. Yes, I'm serious. Cartoons would have us all believe that hippos are large goofy lovable creatures that just want to eat fruit, and swim around all afternoon. This is a lie. 

In reality, hippos are mean and aggressive, killing more people in Africa than any other animal. They are the third-largest land animal in the world, behind the elephant and the rhinoceros, weighing up to 9,000 pounds. 

Highly territorial, hippos have been known to capsize a boat and bite off the head of the hapless sailor. BITE THE HEAD OFF. Not to eat, or in defense, but because it noticed you just happened to be in it's river! That's just cruel! Their tusks can reach 28 inches long and their mouths can open four feet wide. And if you think staying out of the water will save you from a pointless headless death, just remember, these 9,000 pound bastards can run up to 20 miles per hour! So unless you happen to be Usain Bolt, you're fucked if you piss one of these off in the water or on dry land.

Cue theme from Jaws.

2. Africanized Honeybee aka Killer Bee. Brazilian scientists brought aggressive African bees to Brazil in 1956 in an effort to breed a better honeybee. Unfortunately, the experiment failed and some of the African bees escaped and bred with local species. The insects' offspring have gradually moved northward and killed an estimated 1,000 people. 

Scientists say that while the Africanized bees are no more venomous than regular North American honeybees, they become agitated much more easily and stay angry longer, sometimes repeatedly stinging their victims for an entire day. They have been known to attack animals or people a quarter of a mile from their hives, and are generally considered the jerks of the flying insect world.

In March, in Las Vegas a swarm of these murderous evil pricks (no pun intended) blanketed a 77-year-old woman walking down the street, apparently attracted to something in the bag she was carrying. Firefighters wearing special equipment had to douse the woman with water to remove some 200 bees swarming over her. Stung more than 500 times, the woman nonetheless survived. The bees however made off with her bag, mobile phone, and car keys.

Death from above!

3. The blobfish (Psychrolutes marcidus) is a deep sea fish of the family Psychrolutidae. Inhabiting the deep waters off the coasts of mainland Australia and Tasmania. It is rarely seen by humans. But it's still fucking ugly as sin, and a damn good reason to stay the hell out of not only the oceans, but get off of the planet. Not even the Irish could drink until this fish looks good.

Man, this is just depressing to look at!

4. Dart Frog. If you ever happen to be running through the rain forests somewhere in Central or South America, do not ever pick up beautiful and colorful frogs. This frog is probably the most poisonous animal on earth. The 2 inch long golden poison dart frog has enough venom to kill 10 adult humans or 20,000 mice. Only 2 micrograms of this lethal toxin (the amount that fits on the head of a pin) is capable of killing a human or other large mammal. Poison dart frogs keep their poison in their skins and will sicken or kill anybody who touches or eats it. So for the love of all that is holy, DON'T LICK IT!

Awww, pretty... deadly!

5. Komodo Dragon. The world's heaviest living lizards. They can grow to a length of 10 feet and their teeth are laterally compressed with serrated edges, resembling those of flesh-eating sharks. They have about 60 teeth that they replace frequently and are positioned to cut out chunks of its prey. Also, he Komodos mouth is full of virulent bacteria and even if its prey survives the original attack, it will die of infection later.

If that's not enough to make you crap your pants at the sight of one, wrap your noodle around this golden nugget of a fact... Despite its size, the Komodo is fast moving and agile. They can climb trees and like all monitor lizards they are good swimmers. Nowhere is safe, and you are a tasty snack.

If they can evolve thumbs, we are doomed!

6. Ebola. Common Ebola symptoms can include fever, sore throat, weakness, severe headache, joint and muscle aches, diarrhea, vomiting, dehydration, dry hacking cough, and stomach pain (oh joy!). A rash, red eyes, hiccups, and internal and external bleeding may be seen in some patients. When the rash develops on dark skin, it is often not recognized until the rash begins to peel (fucking gross!)! 

There is no standard treatment for Ebola hemorrhagic fever, and if you get it, odds are you are going to die a horrible messy death (kind of makes you hope you run into one of those head munching hippos now doesn't it?).


7. Chimpanzee. Chimpanzees split from human evolution about 6 million years ago and the two chimpanzee species are the closest living relatives to humans. We have all seen them on T.V., in the movies and at zoos being all cute and cuddly. Well I'm here to tell you that man's cousin is a twisted freak, with a disgustingly kinky side, and an appetite for human faces.

Chimps midnight snack : http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/17/chimp.attack/index.html

Chimp secret sex life : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVE60zwXx1k

Is... is it training a fucking tiger!?!?

Yeah... Mars is looking pretty good right about now my friends. Nothing bad out there to get us right?
Aw crap!