The world we live in has its perks, but it would seriously mess up these beloved classics.

Jingle All The Way

Then: Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a workaholic father, fights Myron Larabee (Sinbad) to get a Turbo Man action figure for his son during a last minute Christmas shopping spree.

Now: Howard orders Turbo-Man on Amazon Prime and learns nothing.

The Santa Clause

Then: When Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) accidentally kills Santa on Christmas Eve, he finds himself transformed into Father Christmas.

Now: Scott never gains any weight due to his gluten-free lifestyle. 55 minutes into the movie, he freezes to death in the North Pole.

A Christmas Story

Then: Nine-year-old Ralphie Parker wants only one thing for Christmas: a Red Ryder BB Gun.

Now: Nine-year-old Ralphie Parker wants only one thing for Christmas: Call of Duty: Ghosts. While putting it into the Xbox for the first time, he slices his eye open with the disk and bleeds out.


Love Actually

Then: Eight couples in London experience the many flavors of love.

Now: One of the men sends a dick pic instead. No wait — all of them do. They all send dick pics.

Miracle on 34th Street

Then: When a department store Santa claims he is the real thing, he’s thrust into a court case to determine his sanity, and finds in six-year-old Susan the greatest gift of all: friendship.

Now: Two minutes into the movie, Santa gets run over by a tourist on a Citibike.

It's A Wonderful Life

Then: George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart), a frustrated businessman on the verge of suicide, sees how different life in his small town would be had he never been born.

Now: George Bailey, a freelance app designer on the verge of suicide, sees how exactly the same life in his small town would be had he never been born.

A Christmas Carol

Then: Ebenezer Scrooge, a Victorian era money-grubber, embarks on a voyage of self-redemption, courtesy of a few strange Christmas ghosts.

Now: Scrooge loses his entire fortune when the bitcoin market crashes. He becomes homeless and takes a lot of dick pics.

Home Alone

Then: Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin), is accidentally left behind when his family flies to Paris for the holidays. When two men attempt to rob his home, Kevin defends it by constructing a series of tricks and traps.

Now: Kevin texts a picture of the burglars to his elderly neighbor, who shoots them dead — a legal act under Illinois' "Stand Your Ground"-esque law.

Santa Claus is Coming To Town

Then: The origin story of Christmas told in beautiful stop-motion animation.

Now: Winter Warlock snapchats his icicle to Mrs. Claus. When Santa finds out she took a screenshot, he cancels Christmas.


A Charlie Brown Christmas

Then: Charlie Brown, depressed by the over-commercialization of Christmas, attempts to discover its true meaning.

Now: Charlie Brown, medicated out of his depression, pays no attention as the lopsided, genetically modified tree crushes Snoopy.


Then: Billy’s adorable new pet Gizmo came with three important rules: never get it wet, never expose it to bright light, and never feed it after midnight. When the young man accidentally disobeys these rules, a horde of evil monsters is unleashed on his small town.

Now: The only liquid Billy's family has in the house is Vitamin Water, which has no effect on Gizmo, aside from making him chubby and sticky.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas!

Then: A lonely recluse plans to steal Christmas from the town of Whoville.

Now: The Grinch accidentally tweets a picture of his stump at the mayor. Anarchy erupts in Whoville.