Jingle All The Way
Then: Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a workaholic father, fights Myron Larabee (Sinbad) to get a Turbo Man action figure for his son during a last minute Christmas shopping spree.
Now: Howard orders Turbo-Man on Amazon Prime and learns nothing.
The Santa Clause
Then: When Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) accidentally kills Santa on Christmas Eve, he finds himself transformed into Father Christmas.
Now: Scott never gains any weight due to his gluten-free lifestyle. 55 minutes into the movie, he freezes to death in the North Pole.
A Christmas Story
Now: Nine-year-old Ralphie Parker wants only one thing for Christmas: Call of Duty: Ghosts. While putting it into the Xbox for the first time, he slices his eye open with the disk and bleeds out.
Then: Eight couples in London experience the many flavors of love.
Now: One of the men sends a dick pic instead. No wait — all of them do. They all send dick pics.
Miracle on 34th Street
Then: When a department store Santa claims he is the real thing, he’s thrust into a court case to determine his sanity, and finds in six-year-old Susan the greatest gift of all: friendship.
Now: Two minutes into the movie, Santa gets run over by a tourist on a Citibike.
It's A Wonderful Life
Then: George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart), a frustrated businessman on the verge of suicide, sees how different life in his small town would be had he never been born.
Now: George Bailey, a freelance app designer on the verge of suicide, sees how exactly the same life in his small town would be had he never been born.
A Christmas Carol
Then: Ebenezer Scrooge, a Victorian era money-grubber, embarks on a voyage of self-redemption, courtesy of a few strange Christmas ghosts.
Now: Scrooge loses his entire fortune when the bitcoin market crashes. He becomes homeless and takes a lot of dick pics.
Now: Kevin texts a picture of the burglars to his elderly neighbor, who shoots them dead — a legal act under Illinois' "Stand Your Ground"-esque law.
Santa Claus is Coming To Town
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Now: Charlie Brown, medicated out of his depression, pays no attention as the lopsided, genetically modified tree crushes Snoopy.
Now: The only liquid Billy's family has in the house is Vitamin Water, which has no effect on Gizmo, aside from making him chubby and sticky.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas!
Now: The Grinch accidentally tweets a picture of his stump at the mayor. Anarchy erupts in Whoville.