The thing I don't understand the most: Why am I watching Ernest Goes to Jail?

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August 23, 2011

Why Am I Watching “Ernest Goes to Jail?”

I understand why I started watching “Ernest Goes to Jail.” It’s Sunday night and I’m waiting for “Breaking Bad” to record on the DVR so I can fast forward through the commercials. This film (using the term loosely) started at the same time, and I vaguely remembered it from my childhood, so I figured why not. But now it’s 20 minutes later and I could fast forward through the commercials so why am I still watching this talkie (using the term loosely)? It's really bad. Not bad meaning bad but bad meaning there isn't enough weed in California to make this a good movie.

A Few Basic Things About The Premise

This whole movie is about a convicted killer on death row who conveniently looks just like Ernest. This makes sense because they are played by the same actor, which is another way of saying it makes no sense at all. Ernest is on a jury for one of the killer’s friends who is on trial and the killer’s friend realizes Ernest looks like his inmate friend (prison is a great place to make life changes but also BFFs) and devises a plan to just ARE YOU KIDDING? WHAT? All of it. I don’t even know where to start. Somehow they pull this switcheroo but how does Ernest not just say, “Hey! Guards! Take my fingerprints! Let’s do some very basic shit to prove I’m not that guy who is now on the outside living my life!” It’s just. Seriously? Also, there’s this whole subplot about him having super powers because he keeps getting electrocuted that is kind of the crux of the film. My nose and ears started bleeding just now from thinking about it all too hard.

The Endless Ernest Wikipedia Rabbit Hole

As I sit here on a Sunday night, neck deep in Ernest, I can’t help but start searching out all Ernest related things on Wikipedia. Things like how much money these movies made (MORE THAN 100 MILLION DOLLARS). Things like Ernest was a character originally hatched by an ad agency to do local TV commercials. Ad wizards are responsible! Things like when Ernest would dress up as an old lady, that old lady has a name and her name is Auntie Nelda and now I know all the films she appeared in. I would donate a thousand dollars to Wikipedia if they could give me the last hour of my life back. If I died suddenly, I’d rather have a browser history cluttered with the worst kinds of filth than this much Ernest info.

Was I A Dumb Child?

I don’t think I was a dumb child, but then again I remember enjoying this movie. The only conclusion I can come to is that whether or not you think you were a dumb child, all children are stupid so respect your elders and disregard opinions from anyone who was born a day after you. They probably like Ernest movies. Wait, am I a dumb adult? Why am I still watching this movie?

The Longest 81 Minutes of My Life

81 minutes?!?! This movie is only 81 minutes long? That’s a fact I learned from Wikipedia, not from watching the movie. If you asked me how long the movie I just watched was, my answer would be, “Can we please go to a hospital? My brain is leaking out of my ears and the left half of my body just went numb. I think I’m having a stroke.” If someone you love is going away for a while, you two should watch “Ernest Goes to Jail” together because it will feel like a fucking lifetime. You will be so happy when your wife goes to Australia on business or to jail with Ernest or wherever she is going. “We had a good run, it’s time,” is what you’ll say.

Why Did I Finish Watching “Ernest Goes to Jail?”

I guess when you wait in traffic for 2 hours (or 81 minutes) you want to see the accident at the end of the tunnel. Yes, you are part of the problem but you also waited 81,000,000 minutes so you might as well crane your neck to really savor the flames. Don’t believe that I managed to finish? The last line of the film is, “I came, I saw, I got blowed up.” If that’s not enough proof, the credits have a recap of the movie playing next to them. Not bloopers. Not outtakes. It's clips that are, at most, 81 minutes old to the viewer. Some of the clips happened just minutes before this hit parade starts up. You know, so you can congratulate the crew that made the movie while you relive a highlight reel of some of its zanier moments. Why? WHY? While we're at it, why did I bother writing this list? Why did you finish reading it? Man, life’s questions sure are tough sometimes! If you'll excuse me, I need to get an MRI to check for brain damage and see if my insurance covers Ernest films.