A few things about the Harry Potter Universe that I'm almost afraid to ask.

Full Credits

If you’re like me, your childhood ended the night Uncle Steven decided to introduce you to “Little Stevie.” But for most of you, July 15th 2011, marks the day that your inner child finally chokes to death on it’s own tears. That is the day Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II is released in theatres and sends a sorrowful farewell to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, all played by actors who we’ve all imagined naked at some point. 

Like right now for instance.

What’s intriguing about the stories J.K. Rowling has created is that they take place in our world, with all the same history and world events. The books even reference Playstation at one point. Harry’s adventures just occur in a parallel society that is well hidden from us muggles, so we never see any of it. But there are a few things about this alternate story universe that were never quite explained. They’re not necessarily plot holes, just details I think I would have liked to understand before Rowling jumped ship.

And it’s because of the fact that she left these questions unanswered that I am forced to assume it’s only because their answers are darker and more ungodly than most readers could handle.

Questions like…

4. Does The Wizarding World Believe in God?

I’m not questioning if the Witches and Wizard of the Harry Potter World (HPW from here on in) are spiritual folk. We know people like Harry’s totally pro-legalization Divination Professor Trelawney are the magical equivalent of every yoga instructor you’ve ever had. Dumbledore even sometimes gives hints that there is greater, maybe even divine, power other than magic. Hell, there are even ghost characters and (SPOILER) Harry temporarily dies and visits the afterlife. My question is does the HPW believe in established religions that are widespread throughout the Muggle World?   

"NO THEY DON'T!!!" screamed the asshole who thinks I can hear him through the computer.

“Those are muggle religions! Wizards have no part in them! The worlds are strictly separate!”

Ah-ha, but you see, Christmas is a major theme in the Harry Potter stories. During the Holiday Season, Hogwarts is covered with Christmas decorations and even has a massive Christmas tree set in the dining hall. Harry even got his iconic invisibility cloak as a goddamn Christmas gift from Dumbledore in the first book. 

"Let's all get shit faced!"

So you might be thinking I just answered my own question, as it’s obvious that they DO partake in Muggle religions as exampled here with Christianity. But here’s my real question: Do they actually believe in Jesus, Moses, Mohammad, etc?

Think about it, all of the major religious figures performed miracles. This is what stood them out, got people to follow them, and basically shaped the past 2000 years. But all these miracles and acts of God are just every day shit in the HPW. Jesus multiplied bread and fish to feed the hungry? Pshh, Howarts makes food appear out of nowhere every morning at breakfast time. Moses turned his staff into a serpent? Harry could talk to that serpent, and then tell it to go fuck itself. Muhammad split the moon? That…  well, okay that last one’s pretty cool, not gonna lie. But that’s beside the point.

Muhammad (seen here) splitting the moon.

My point is why would the magical people of the HPW believe in these figures’ divinity if according to religious standards, every witch and wizard performs at least 20 miracles before they take their morning dump?

You Know What I Think?

Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad, etc. were all just smartass wizards who tricked the muggles into thinking they were the hands of God. It’s kind of a hush-hush issue in the HPW that they all just try not to talk about. They just keep the holidays around cause, dude, presents.  

Either that or they all just worshipped Satan like normal witches and wizard. Oh, that reminds me…

3. So Were the Salem Witch Trials Right This Whole Time?

In the U.S. we kind of see the Salem Witch Trials of Massachusetts as one of those “Hahaha! Old-timey’s were so stupid back in the day,” kind of things. It also sits as a warning of the upside-down kooky shit that people are capable of when you let religion dominate the judicial system, ignore due process, and throw out individual liberties. Thirty-three people were believed to have died as a result of being accused of practicing witchcraft. It’s kind of an embarrassing stain on early American history as these poor people died for nothing. Because in the end, witchcraft and magic aren’t real. 

"... They're not?"

But in the HPW, witchcraft
is very real. For all we know, a couple, if not many, if not all of those accused of practicing witchery were in fact, doing just that. Soooo, kinda makes you wonder how many of those 33 actually had it coming.

A witch (floor) stands trial for performing the deadly lumos curse. 

Now I’m not saying that the people who were killed deserved to die, but when performing witchcraft is punishable by death in your town, I don’t know, maybe don’t fucking do it? I know for you wizards and witches it’s considered “beneath you” to have to chop your own firewood with your hands when you could just wave a wand and have that shit done before you can say “hail Satan,” but for the sake of, you know, living, I’d say it’s best to show some humility and pick up the hatchet, jackass. 

Just ignore the humping frog gophers.

You Know What I Think?

To Muggles, the Salem Witch Trials are remembered as a time when people let their fear and superstition get the best of them, and a bunch of innocent lives were lost. To the Wizarding community, the trials are remembered as the time “the muggles were onto us.“ If anything they might remember it as the closest thing that ever came to a Wizard Holocaust.

Oh, and speaking of the Holocaust…

2. WWII... Um... Where The Fuck Were You Guys?

The Second World War was without argument, the most destructive and game-changing event of the 20th century. It cannot be understated how much different the world would be if it had never occurred, or worse, winded up ending in favor of the other guys.

 We’re still feeling the ripple effects of a war that happened 6 wars ago. Hell, most of us are alive today thanks to WWII, seeing as how the Baby Boom shows us that after Grandpa got done playing Call of Duty IRL, he came home and went balls deep on your Grandma. The sad part, however, is that there are people who aren’t alive today because of WWII.

WWII was the deadliest conflict in mankind’s history. Over 60 million people lost their lives as a result of the war, half of them innocent civilians. This doesn’t include the millions more who were never conceived and born because Grandpa’s lower half (where all the boning parts are) got blown to shit by a Panzer tank.

Oh great. Now I went and made the puppy sad.

So, Wizards and Witches, why… the fuck… didn’t you do anything to stop this? Someone might argue that the wizarding community just didn’t know as they barely even understand simple muggle things like cars and rubber ducks (a running joke in whole book series). To that I call bullshit, because even if the wizards in say, Poland, didn’t notice that half of their country was on fire, and that they suddenly had a harder time finding a good matzo balls in 1940, a lot of witches and wizards are born to muggle parents. That means they got a firsthand look into muggle goings-ons, a.k.a World War Fucking Two. 

"In Other News: Wizards Sit On Their Asses."

You might also say that the wizards didn’t intervene because it would expose their world to the muggles. 60 Million people dead and that’s your best excuse? On the contrary you might say that they actually DID intervene, but they used magic to keep it a secret. If that’s the case then they did an absolute shit job, because again I emphasize: 60 million people dead.

You Know What I Think?

Wizards and witches are assholes, let the whole thing happen for their amusement, and most of them still laugh when they watch Schindler’s List.

"Hahaha! Look how they burn!"

1. So, What’s The Etiquette On Inter-Magical-Species Sex?

You knew it would come to this. It was always going to. In our world, if a person has sex with a creature of another species, that’s considered about 8 different kinds of fucked up. Bestiality is just a nauseating thing in itself to think about, and is so utterly looked down upon that we sometimes use it as a basis for profanity.

"Ya motha sucks fuckin' big fuckin' elephant dicks. Ya got that?"

This might stem from the fact that we are people: we’re intelligent, empathetic, and sophisticated beings. Meanwhile animals are just animals. However, in the HPW, this line isn’t so clear-cut. In this world, they have all kinds of magical creatures that are basically just people with extra parts and abilities. Harry and his friends are saved by centaurs (half man/half horse) on more than one occasion, there are mermaids living in the lake next to Hogwarts, and goblins (little midgets that look like burn victims) manage the wizard economy. And you KNOW that everyone is sexing it up with everyone.

Which would explain this.

The best evidence here is Harry’s close, gentle, and grizzly-looking friend Hagrid.  Hagrid is half man and half Giant. His dad was a wizard and his mom was a Giantess. Now you’d think that in the HPW, giants are no different than a couple of Shaquille O’Neals walking around with clubs. And you’d be wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. In the fifth book we’re introduced to Grawp, Hagrid’s half-brother and full Giant, and are given some reference as to what a Giant actually looks like:

FUCK ME WITH A 10-FOOT BROOMSTICK!!! That is like a 2-story walking embodiment of orphan nightmares! And get this: according to Harry Potter Wikipedia, Grawp was supposedly abandoned by their mother for being too small, meaning giants usually come much larger than that. So imagine Hagrid’s dad gettin' down on something like that, only a lot bigger and only a little prettier.  Then try and wonder how much he must have been packing to satisfy such a woman.

So in the HPW, that’s just considered okay? No one has a problem with this? To be fair, it is mentioned that Hagrid isn’t necessarily welcome amongst the Giant community for being a half-breed, but that stems more from their prejudice against his human side as opposed to acknowledgement of the gross fact that he’s the result of all kinds of sloppy wet inter-species humping.

"Ugh! Fowl mutant sin against nature! Kill it with fire! Start at the beard!"

You Know What I Think?

The Wizards, Witches, and Magical Creatures in the HPW are some kinky motherfuckers that dwarf (see what I did there?) any type of perversions that we pitiful muggles could ever come up with in the sticky dark reaches of our most depraved sexual fantasies. And this is the SOLE reason why I must meet Emma Watson before I die.