Whatâs intriguing about the stories J.K. Rowling has created
is that they take place in our world, with all the same history and world
events. The books even reference Playstation at one point. Harryâs adventures
just occur in a parallel society that is well hidden from us muggles, so we
never see any of it. But there are a few things about this alternate story
universe that were never quite explained. Theyâre not necessarily plot holes,
just details I think I would have liked to understand before Rowling jumped
And itâs because of the fact that she left these questions unanswered that I am forced to assume itâs only because their answers are darker and more ungodly than most readers could handle.
4. Does The Wizarding World Believe in God?
âThose are muggle religions! Wizards have no part in them! The worlds are strictly separate!â Ah-ha, but you see, Christmas is a major theme in the Harry Potter stories. During the Holiday Season, Hogwarts is covered with Christmas decorations and even has a massive Christmas tree set in the dining hall. Harry even got his iconic invisibility cloak as a goddamn Christmas gift from Dumbledore in the first book.
So you might be thinking I just answered my own question, as itâs obvious that they DO partake in Muggle religions as exampled here with Christianity. But hereâs my real question: Do they actually believe in Jesus, Moses, Mohammad, etc?
Think about it, all of the major religious figures performed miracles. This is what stood them out, got people to follow them, and basically shaped the past 2000 years. But all these miracles and acts of God are just every day shit in the HPW. Jesus multiplied bread and fish to feed the hungry? Pshh, Howarts makes food appear out of nowhere every morning at breakfast time. Moses turned his staff into a serpent? Harry could talk to that serpent, and then tell it to go fuck itself. Muhammad split the moon? Thatâ¦ well, okay that last oneâs pretty cool, not gonna lie. But thatâs beside the point.
My point is why would the magical people of the HPW believe in these figuresâ divinity if according to religious standards, every witch and wizard performs at least 20 miracles before they take their morning dump?
You Know What I Think?
Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad, etc. were all just smartass wizards who tricked the muggles into thinking they were the hands of God. Itâs kind of a hush-hush issue in the HPW that they all just try not to talk about. They just keep the holidays around cause, dude, presents.
Either that or they all just worshipped Satan like normal witches and wizard. Oh, that reminds meâ¦
3. So Were the Salem Witch Trials Right This Whole Time?
But in the HPW, witchcraft is very real. For all we know, a couple, if not many, if not all of those accused of practicing witchery were in fact, doing just that. Soooo, kinda makes you wonder how many of those 33 actually had it coming.
Now Iâm not saying that the people who were killed deserved to die, but when performing witchcraft is punishable by death in your town, I donât know, maybe donât fucking do it? I know for you wizards and witches itâs considered âbeneath youâ to have to chop your own firewood with your hands when you could just wave a wand and have that shit done before you can say âhail Satan,â but for the sake of, you know, living, Iâd say itâs best to show some humility and pick up the hatchet, jackass.
You Know What I Think?
To Muggles, the Salem Witch Trials are remembered as a time when people let their fear and superstition get the best of them, and a bunch of innocent lives were lost. To the Wizarding community, the trials are remembered as the time âthe muggles were onto us.â If anything they might remember it as the closest thing that ever came to a Wizard Holocaust.
Oh, and speaking of the Holocaustâ¦
2. WWII... Um... Where The Fuck Were You Guys?
Weâre still feeling the ripple effects of a war that happened 6 wars ago. Hell, most of us are alive today thanks to WWII, seeing as how the Baby Boom shows us that after Grandpa got done playing Call of Duty IRL, he came home and went balls deep on your Grandma. The sad part, however, is that there are people who arenât alive today because of WWII.
WWII was the deadliest conflict in mankindâs history. Over 60 million people lost their lives as a result of the war, half of them innocent civilians. This doesnât include the millions more who were never conceived and born because Grandpaâs lower half (where all the boning parts are) got blown to shit by a Panzer tank.
So, Wizards and Witches, whyâ¦ the fuckâ¦ didnât you do anything to stop this? Someone might argue that the wizarding community just didnât know as they barely even understand simple muggle things like cars and rubber ducks (a running joke in whole book series). To that I call bullshit, because even if the wizards in say, Poland, didnât notice that half of their country was on fire, and that they suddenly had a harder time finding a good matzo balls in 1940, a lot of witches and wizards are born to muggle parents. That means they got a firsthand look into muggle goings-ons, a.k.a World War Fucking Two.
You might also say that the wizards didnât intervene because
it would expose their world to the muggles. 60 Million people dead and thatâs
your best excuse? On the contrary you might say that they actually DID
intervene, but they used magic to keep it a secret. If thatâs the case then
they did an absolute shit job, because again I emphasize: 60 million people
You Know What I Think?
Wizards and witches are assholes, let the whole thing happen
for their amusement, and most of them still laugh when they watch Schindlerâs List.
1. So, Whatâs The Etiquette On Inter-Magical-Species Sex?
You knew it would come to this. It was always going to. In our world, if a person has sex with a creature of another species, thatâs considered about 8 different kinds of fucked up. Bestiality is just a nauseating thing in itself to think about, and is so utterly looked down upon that we sometimes use it as a basis for profanity.
So in the HPW, thatâs just considered okay? No one has a problem with this? To be fair, it is mentioned that Hagrid isnât necessarily welcome amongst the Giant community for being a half-breed, but that stems more from their prejudice against his human side as opposed to acknowledgement of the gross fact that heâs the result of all kinds of sloppy wet inter-species humping.
You Know What I Think?
The Wizards, Witches, and Magical Creatures in the HPW are some kinky motherfuckers that dwarf (see what I did there?) any type of perversions that we pitiful muggles could ever come up with in the sticky dark reaches of our most depraved sexual fantasies. And this is the SOLE reason why I must meet Emma Watson before I die.