Over the weekend in Louisville, KY, a 12-year-old named Chase found himself at a Carrie Underwood concert. It was a choice for which many of his friends chastised him, calling him vicious, cutting names like “Lame-wad” and “Fairy Underwood.” They simply couldn’t understand why a 12-year-old boy would voluntarily go to a Carrie Underwood concert, that is until they saw the online video of Chase planting a big, wet kiss on the beautiful, blonde country songstress.
It was his forward thinking and his big ol’ set of balls that first inspired Chase to make a sign that read “Carrie be my first kiss,” and it was only by pure destiny that she saw it. But once she did, it set in motion a chain of events that will eventually make young Chase from Kentucky, the coolest boy in the world…
Chase gets his first kiss from Carrie Underwood at a concert in Louisville. His proud father weeps openly.
Still riding high on the experience, Chase confronts his tormentor, school bully Travis McClusky, in the cafeteria. When Travis demands his lunch, Chase fells him with a mighty nut-punch and dumps his chocolate milk over Travis’ head.
Chase’s reputation as a badass makes him the most sought after boy at Sarah Carter’s make-out party. He gets an HJ in the closet from slutty sophomore Christine Janson, known district-wide as “The Kingmaker.”
After barely making the football team weeks earlier, Chase is named the starting quarterback for the homecoming game against hated rival Holy Trinity. He promptly throws his first career touchdown pass… to himself.
Chase arrives at a Halloween party to see several boys are dressed as him.
After winning a 2013 Ford Mustang in a local radio station holiday giveaway, Chase is pulled over for driving without a license. The cops let him off, partly because it’s Christmas, but mostly because he’s motherfucking Chase from Kentucky.
Chase receives such an overwhelming influx of Valentine’s Day cards that US postal workers will forever look back on as “their Pearl Harbor.”
Chase scores a 137% on his anatomy mid-term. His teacher, Mr. Damatopolis, doesn’t understand exactly how it happened; he just knows he deserves it.
Chase attends a Rihanna concert, bringing with him a sign that reads “Rihanna, steal my innocence.” And so the cycle of unabashed awesomeness continues...