A comprehensive list detailing the fifty different types of people you should have sex with before you're dead. Get ready for your Herculean journey.

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April 17, 2012

Part One: Junior varsity.

1. The red head.
2. The screamer.
3. The whisperer.
4. The complainer.
5. The we've been doing foreplay for an hour, lets get to it-er. 
6. The person who weighs under 105 pounds.
7. The person who weighs over 300 pounds.
8. The person who is hairy in unexpected areas.
9. The person who is silent but deadly. 
10. The person who talks more than a lecturing professor.

Part Two: Pretty impressive.

11. The surprisingly flexible.
12. The sweater.
13. The drunken one-night stand.
14. The person who’s twenty years older than you.
15. The person who’s ten years younger than you.
16. The person who keeps the maximum amount of clothes on possible.
17. The one who has more tattooed skin than un-tattooed skin.
18. The best friend.
19. The best friend’s best friend.
20. The one who’s married, but it doesn’t concern you.

Part Three: Halfway there.

21. The one who used to be ugly, but is now hot, and you’re surprised enough to feel obligated.
22. The person who used to be hot, but isn’t anymore, but still has a ton of name value for being previously hot.
23. The stage-five clinger.
24. The significant other while their parents are in the room next door.
25. The therapist.
26. The person who’s physically out of your league, but you can somehow smooth talk your way into sex because a) they’re vulnerable or b) they’re stupid.
27. The one who goes through all five stages of grief during sex.
28. The one who keeps referring to sex as “making love.”
29. The person who’s isn't as attractive as you, but you need to cross off number twenty-nine on this list so you do it anyway.
30. The ex-girlfriend. 

Part Four: Superhero status.

31. The virgin.
32. The pay-for-sex.
33. The person who’s adoppelganger for a celebrity you fantasize about, so you can tell people you had sex with the real celebrity. 
34. The inappropriate cryer.
35. The inappropriate laugher.
36. The one who is way too into Game of Thrones/Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit and accidentally call you a character’s name mid-bone. 
37. The one with pierced genitalia.
38. The obscurely famous.
39. The one with a terminal illness.
40. The person with the skin complexion of vanilla ice cream.

Part Five: God privileges granted.

41. The person with the skin complexion of chocolate ice cream.
42. The person with the skin complexion of strawberry ice cream.
43. The one you’re attracted to strictly because of their foreign accent. 
44. The stranger you meet on a train, have an incredible romantic evening with, and end up getting with by using the line “lets make this the most magical night of our lives.”
45. The one who really, really needs a haircut.
46. The regret.
47. The “I wouldn’t take it back for a second.”
48. The one who smells like your favorite childhood dessert.
49. The person who accomplishes at least five things on this list during one session. 
50. The red head. Again.