Did you know that bikes are more animal friendly than cars? If not, know you do. Let's take a look at six bikes that totally kick ass and prove that cars are kind of dumb.

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May 06, 2014

6. Darren Nelson's Bike



Darren Nelson is my neighbor, a father of two and a semi-professional wrestler at the local youth and community center. Because of his unflattering career path, Darren can't afford a car. Not even a Buick LeSabre. Instead, Darren relies on this relic of American transporation to take him from his two bedroom Minneapolis apartment to whatever dilapidated gym he's appearing that evening. The bike is fully equipped with no brakes and a white overhanging towel on the handlebars, allowing Darren to wipe his hands or whip any pedestrians who get a little too close for comfort.

5. Kid Rock's Huffy 10-Speed

Barack Obama


American rock star Kid Rock has had his fair share of run ins with the law, but that hasn't stopped him from owning one of the coolest bikes in the United States. When he isn't screaming about raisins and milking cows, Kid Rock can be found going for relaxing rides on his 250 acre ranch in Billings, Montana, or going into town to pick up some groceries. It's widely speculated that Mr. Rock purchased the bike from Green Day lead singer Greg Kinnear.

4. The City Of Birmingham's Bikes For Homophobes Program



I know, I know, this is more than one bike. But actually, all of the bikes involved in Birmingham's controversial community outreach program are the same make and model; a 2002 Beige Schwinn with "Heterosexual Dad" engraved on the handlebar. Since its inception, the program has provided over 300 bikes to homophobic men in hopes they'll become distracted from the morally evolving society around them. "They've been racing each other, working up sweats, and pushing and giggling their ways to high school football games where they admire athletically fit males some 30 years younger," said city council woman Jan Debranheart. "It's been a blessing. It truly has."

Rumors from the world wide web have pointed to a possible upgrade in bikes, with a newer Schwinn model designed by Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace possibly making its way to the city.


3. My Dad's Bike



When my father isn't swearing at a pan of burnt scrambled eggs, he's usually riding his bike through the neighborhood trying to lure some of the single moms outside for a night of fun. His bike, a Huffy BMX bike he found at the dump, has two car tires and an ambulance siren that he jokingly blares when he stalks our mailman Dwayne. Dwayne is totally cool with it, and won't report my father to the authorities because that would be dumb Dwayne. My dad isn't perverted or anything, he's just always wanted to be a mailman.

2. Joakim Noah's Sweet Ride



Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah isn't just a talented basketball player, he's a bike enthusiast as well. Noah's unique free throw style is inspired by his childhood. "I used to have a bike with no handlebars, so I'd lean over and move the wheel myself. I feel off a lot, but it could have been worse," Noah revealed in an interview to ESPN The Magazine's Rick Reilly last spring. Noah's prized possession (above), a 2011 remake he calls Lester, calls back to his childhood. "I made the handlebars not connect to the wheel. It's not as bad as it looks. If I grunt a lot and start calling for 'Trap - God Of The Elder Goblins!' everything seems to work out."

1. Greg Ostertag



The former Utah Jazz and Sacramento Kings' center is very tall. His steps equal about 3 minutes of normal bike travel. He'd be a good bike if he weren't busy playing recreational men's league hockey in the Midwestern United States.