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It is pretty darn hard to fail at making an amateur home sex video. In fact, as an expert in the field, I can personally attest to the fact that it is almost impossible. That being said, there are some celebrity sex tapes that seriously merit consideration for the worst of the worst, which is like wondering which train wrecks caused the most casualties and did the most damage. In this case, the aftermath of never being able to un-see what should never have been seen is enough to scar you for life. But you can't turn away, you have to look, after all, there are naked people involved.
Published August 11, 2013 More Info »
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Published August 11, 2013

Tom Sizemore's Greatest Role

Tom Sizemore lives The Method. He inhabits his characters and breaths a life into them that is charismatic and intense. Pursuing that quality requires living on the edge and keeping it authentic. That is usually the only important aspect of what makes good amateur porn, keeping it real. And he put thought and effort into it, so in one sense he made incredible videos. If there is an art to amateur porn then Sizemore would be its Van Gogh. His genius will not be appreciated until long after he is gone and people don't have to tolerate the madness part. Unfortunately for Sizemore, he kept it so real that people could not deal with it and were freaked out. He was like a priapic bonobo with a pink vibrator in its butt and a meth habit to boot. It was just too weird, not sexy. After that, typecasting is an even bigger bitch. 

 

 

Geena Lee Nolin exposes... not enough

You might think that a skinny blonde with big fake bolt on cantalopes from the most famous gratuitous jiggle-fest TV show in the world  would set the world on fire when her sex tape surfaced. After all, it worked for Pamela Anderson. However, when fans finally had their fantasies fulfilled and got to see Gena Lee Nolin on the floor on all fours getting down dirtier than a fully charged Dust Devil they were disappointed. She was about as interesting and enthusiastic as wilted lettuce on wet white bread. Sex is never supposed to be boring, especially when you are making a video for posterity; you might as well try to at least act interested. But here again, even in amateur porn, Ms Nolin suffered for a lack of acting skills. 

Kim Kardashian takes risque and makes it blasé

In many ways, amateur porn has made the world a happier place. It has provided a vehicle for couples to get freaky, some horny people to find a profitable hobby doing what they like to do best, and a great way for D list celebs to squeeze one last drop of fame and notoriety out before everything all dries up and blows into a dust of memories riding a wind that whistles, sounding like million's of people whispering "who cares?" Along came Kim Kardashian. She makes a video that is arguably even more tepid than Nolin's and that makes it about as interesting as a pimple on a butt. Yet somehow, this festering ball of pus pops into pretty much the most annoying reality TV the world has to offer, product endorsements, and millions upon millions in earnings, fame, celebrity; indeed, that crap seemed like the secret ingredient in the recipe for the sweetest slice of the American pie imaginable. Now everyone else thinks they can pull off the same stunt, and that is just horrifying. 

Farrah Abraham, the abomination

The worst thing you can do when trying to make home movies of those special intimate ocassions is try to make a production out of it. That just takes the fun right out of the whole affair and makes it like work. Like a actual job. Like a ball busting burden. An intolerable grind. The yolk of oppressing boredom plowing the empty fields of fallow. This describes the Farrah Abraham video. Watching it feels like an assault which might result in permanent damage to the libido. Seriously, Mother Theresa would have come up with something hotter because at least she would have been able to pull off a miracle. 

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