Nick Offerman's celebrity tweets is kind of hilarious in an offkiltered way. I'm going to have to challenge him with some pretty awesome ones I've come across on my own

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January 28, 2013

"Going to the gym with cum in my ponytail" - Alison Tyler                  "During sex I think of inventions from the future. Should I patent these ideas? Also, why do my balls merge during whoopie?" -Dane Cook @ Dr. Drew         "You guys are faggots" -Tyler Callaway                 "A man's beard grows faster when he is anticipating sex" -HornyFacts             "Roger Goddell would actually make a great point from time to time if he'd just go ahead and take John Madden's dick out of his mouth" -Tom Brady             "No sex in the chapagne room, honkey" -Chris Rock            "You haven't seen drool until you've watched a Juelz Ventura scene" -Jose Martinez           "Not happy. Gf just got home from Costco with a pallet of fish scented baby wipes" -Daniel Tosh             "I didn't know it existed until my shoot for Fashionistas #3, but I just wiped ball wax off of my eyelash" -Jenna Haze           "You can't have collard greens without the smoked turkey necks baby" -Tracy Morgan              " *SIGH* ...Fucking black people and their collard greens and mammy's yams. stfu already!" -Riley Stinkface           "TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS" -Azis Ansari               

"Just got my fleshlight superglued to my dick. Just say no to xanax"  -Nick O'Brien             "Started to get horny. Grabbed vaseline. Turned on Asian Anal Addicts. Boy George comes on VH1. Epic fail" -Ryan Stallings             "Proposed to my girlfriend of 7 years by putting the ring in her cake. 4 hours later and we're still in the emergency room. Should have went to Jared" -Bill Bradley           "She farted on my dick AGAIN during sex -Tim Lester               "She drew a penis on my forehead with sharpie. I put ass hairs in her meatloaf. I win." -Jonathan Landman