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Nick Offerman's celebrity tweets is kind of hilarious in an offkiltered way. I'm going to have to challenge him with some pretty awesome ones I've come across on my own
Published January 28, 2013 More Info »
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Published January 28, 2013

"Going to the gym with cum in my ponytail" - Alison Tyler                  "During sex I think of inventions from the future. Should I patent these ideas? Also, why do my balls merge during whoopie?" -Dane Cook @ Dr. Drew         "You guys are faggots" -Tyler Callaway                 "A man's beard grows faster when he is anticipating sex" -HornyFacts             "Roger Goddell would actually make a great point from time to time if he'd just go ahead and take John Madden's dick out of his mouth" -Tom Brady             "No sex in the chapagne room, honkey" -Chris Rock            "You haven't seen drool until you've watched a Juelz Ventura scene" -Jose Martinez           "Not happy. Gf just got home from Costco with a pallet of fish scented baby wipes" -Daniel Tosh             "I didn't know it existed until my shoot for Fashionistas #3, but I just wiped ball wax off of my eyelash" -Jenna Haze           "You can't have collard greens without the smoked turkey necks baby" -Tracy Morgan              " *SIGH* ...Fucking black people and their collard greens and mammy's yams. stfu already!" -Riley Stinkface           "TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS TORTAS" -Azis Ansari               

"Just got my fleshlight superglued to my dick. Just say no to xanax"  -Nick O'Brien             "Started to get horny. Grabbed vaseline. Turned on Asian Anal Addicts. Boy George comes on VH1. Epic fail" -Ryan Stallings             "Proposed to my girlfriend of 7 years by putting the ring in her cake. 4 hours later and we're still in the emergency room. Should have went to Jared" -Bill Bradley           "She farted on my dick AGAIN during sex -Tim Lester               "She drew a penis on my forehead with sharpie. I put ass hairs in her meatloaf. I win." -Jonathan Landman

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