Full Credits

Stats & Data

April 16, 2012

#1 White Dude: This Guy

Our crack research team of me, putting in little to no effort, could not find out who this guy is. But when you search "white dudes" on Google he's the first guy who pops up. And goddamnit he ought to be! Look at his white dude trademark features. He's got a goatee, his neck is the same size as his head, his hair is slightly askew, and he is almost smiling. 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this white dude was a really good middle linebacker on his high school football team, a solid offensive lineman, and beats the ever living shit out of his wife. She doesn't like it but she loves him and they have 7 children. 

As a white man I'm not happy he's our first dude. We could do better. Remember there are several white presidents, inventors, businessmen, innovators, heads of industry, etc. And then, the word dude should pull up some awesome badass cowboys! But nope, this is our dude. At least on my computer.

#2 White Dude: Robert Pattinson

I realize he's a famous actor; beloved by overweight white women between the ages of 8 and 72, not including women between 18 and 32 unless they have prediabetes but that's not my complaint, HE'S BRITISH!!! What the fuck man. When Brits, Europeans, probably even Russians do impressions of Americans the first word they say is "dude." Baseball and apple pie have been replaced by "dude." Yet the #2 "white dude" is a Brit? 

Also, Pattison couldn't perform simple dude tasks like roping a cow or chopping down a single wheat strand without the help of a machine. If the Twilight series has taught me anything it's that I've never watched the Twilight series...but if the things I've heard are true. Pattinson shouldn't have made this list. 

#3 White Dude: Kevin Federline

So, it seems, as a nation, we've moved away from the farm use of the word "dude" and tended towards using it for stoners. Or, perhaps, it's now just another way to say douchebag. I would like it if Federline because a verb and was substituted for douching. "I feel fresh and clean after Federlining myself," would make a fantastic commercial! Until that day comes along we just have to assume that people are at home thinking; "whose that white dude who did that thing with that popstar who shaved her head?" 

According to Federline's wikipedia page his transformation into Vanilla Ice has yet to be completed but if I were to guess we're about 4 months away from a K-Fed hardcore-rap-rock album. I can't wait!! Finally I'll be able to justify the tattoo I got several years ago that says "Federline" across my back a la Sublime.

#4 White Dude: Barack Obama???

Did the world need this picture? People are aware that Obama's mother was white right? 

According to this picture a fully white Obama would have never been elected to anything. This guy looks like a creppy version of Dennis Kucinich, who himself is as beloved by his fans as he is flat out creepy to every other person on the planet. 

This Obama's campaign song would have been Steely Dan's "My Old School." His running mate would have been a raw chicken. His slogan would have been "Never Seen a Bush He Didn't...Just Never Seen a Bush."

So our #4 White Dude is our president, widely regarded as the first black president. 

#5 White Dude: Finally, Him.

This is the exact example of what every single picture should look like when you search "White Dude." This guy looks confused, friendly, confused, and not sure where he is. You could throw a cowboy hat on him and nobody would think he was "trying to be someone he isn't," and at the same time, you could go the other way and hand him a bong and it'd look natural in his hand. He owns at least one tie-dyed shirt that he never really wears anymore unless he's painting his house...which he does every 3-4 years because you're supposed to.

He could be a senator or a grocery bagger. This guy is everything a white dude should be. 

*The only reason I wrote this article is because the just flat out awful pictures that came up when I search "Black Dude." In good conscience I couldn't even post those pictures. I can be mean to white dudes because they've ruined my life through loaning me money for college, charging me rent, and hiring me for jobs that I didn't like. Basically they're assholes. But they're assholes who deserve better than a High School All Star, a Brit, Kfed, and a reverse engineered bit of racism by painting Obama in "white face." We, white dudes, deserve this guy, whose name is probably Jason.