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Welcome to College. First things first, get to the know people around you. Really get to know them... since there's no chance you'll ever talk to them again.
Published August 31, 2011 More Info »
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Published August 31, 2011

The First Friend You Make During Orientation

So your RA, who claims she "likes to party as much as you" and "isn't here to ruin your fun," has lined everyone up according to their birthdays because obviously that's how you get to know people. You strike up a conversation with the person who's also born in February. Enjoy that conversation with your new best friend, as they'll only be your best friend until Thursday when you meet someone who shares an affinity toward Bob Marley greatest hits albums*. You are not best friends with this person. You will not be best friends with the Bob Marley fan. 

*Sidenote: Don't let anyone tell you Bob Marley's "Legend" is one of the greatest albums of all time. It is a collection. It's like saying the best variety of Chex is Chex Mix. Sorry if that analogy is too good.

Anyone You Sit With in the Dining Hall



The Guy Who Knows Where The Off-Campus Parties Are

During your junior year, a frat will throw a beach themed party in which everyone will be hammered and making out while wearing next to nothing, and the first thought that will enter your now-jaded mind will be "I bet it will be crowded and I'll sweat a lot." Then you will go to an off-campus party where you'll sit on a couch, eating frozen pizza and talking about how great it was when you went to beach-themed parties just two years earlier. In the corner, there will be two guys. One will say to the other "Sorry, I thought hanging out at an upperclassman, off-campus party would be cooler. Sorry we didn't go to Beachcombers Blast." Those two people will never hang out again.

The "Funniest Person You Ever Met"

You as a Freshman: "Oh my God he does Bill Cosby impressions!"
You as a Sophomore: "Oh my God he does Bill Cosby impressions."

Notice the difference? You will. 

Your Roommate

I'm not saying you won't reconnect later in college, but there's a good chance that despite attending every party with this person during the first week, your friendship will not rise above any of the following issues (which are bound to come up): 

  • They have a different sleep schedule than you
  • They're ALWAYS in the room
  • They had sex while you were in the room and they thought you were sleeping
  • You had revenge sex while you thought they were sleeping
  • You walked in on them having sex with themselves
  • They love Swingers just a bit too much
  • They drank your beer and assured you they're "good for it"
  • They shed on your stuff.
  • They're too messy
  • They're too clean
  • They told the guy across the hall that YOU are the one who's too messy/clean

All That Said…

That first week will undoubtedly be the best week of your life. Enjoy.

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