Rebecca Black's song "Friday" has taken the internet by storm. And rightfully so, since the Internet loves terrible things (See: the word "fail"). Here's the video, which has already surpassed 13 million views. But if you don't like subjecting yourself to awfulness, I've pasted some lyrics below: "It's Friday, FridayGotta get down on FridayEverybody's looking' forward to the weekend, weekend""Partyin', partyin'Fun, fun, fun, fun""Yesterday was Thursday, ThursdayToday is Friday, Friday"See? The worst. BUT the fact of the matter is that Rebecca Black is only thirteen years old. Who are we to be sitting around in our ivory towers (internet chat rooms) mocking a child? That seems a bit cruel and short-sighted. This girl has already accomplished more by eighth grade than I will in my entire life. When it comes down to it, Black is nowhere near the first singer to record some truly terrible lyrics. Not even close. And those were done by adults. So let's make fun of them. The singers who have already gone through puberty and should hopefully have the good sense to not spout ridiculousness into a microphone.
7. America - "A Horse With No Name"
There were plants And birdsAnd Rocks and ThingsApparently America was stumped when writing the song, so they summoned the help of a nearby pre-schooler who had just returned from a class trip to a nearby open field of grass. The scary thing about this is how it's stood the test of time. Probably because the heartfelt lyrics ring true. "There were in fact things. I can't disagree with that." - A Tastemaking Music Reviewer who also has seen rocks.
6. R. Kelly - "Ignition"
We're talking about the remix here, obvs (though most R. Kelly songs could be included on this list). The guy has made a living peeing on girls writing ridiculousness, but this lyrical goldmine may be his biggest hit, so let's take a look at some sample lyrics. First, the chorus begins with "Can I get a toot toot? Can I get a beep beep?" Unlike "A Horse with No Name," R has not enlisted the help of a child to write his lyrics. He has, seemingly, decided to direct them to one - which given his taste in women is not shocking. Saying "Can I get a toot toot" rolls off the tongue better than "I've eaten a lot of watermelon while also drinking copious amount of coffee, so sorry in advance for what's about to happen."And then of course, there's lyrics like "Now it's like murder she wrote, once I get you out them clothes." Translated: I'd like to see Angela Lansbury naked. Amazing. Never stop writing songs, Mr. Kelly. Never.
5. Avril Lavigne - "Sk8tr Boi"
He was a boy She was a girlCan I make it more obvious?Wait wait, back it up. Who was he? And who was she? And him again? Sorry, I just got lost in your subtle poetry.
4. Lil Wayne - "All Alone"
I love my n**gas, no homoThat's why I hope they all get cheese like DiGiornoTranslated: Homophobia now available in your grocer's freezer. Oh Wayne, you so gangsta. While I certainly applaud your equating of pizza and success - again we draw a parallel between successful pop music and the interests of thirteen-year-olds having a rocking birthday party - if you really wanted to wish your acquaintances the best, can we suggest some toppings? Just plain cheese seems rather pedestrian, and not nearly up to the standards that a talented rapper like yourself would enjoy. Oh my god I just got the lyric. He's trying to keep them down. Holy shit holy shit. Wayne you a genius.
3. Shakira - "Wherever, Whenever"
Lucky that my breasts are small and humbleSo you don't confuse them with mountains Ummm. K.
2. Van Halen - "Why Can't This Be Love"
Not the whole song, but specifically these lyrics: Only time will tellIf we stand the test of timeNothing I write as commentary here will add to the ridiculousness of those words, in that order. I will, however, remind you that Van Halen is one of the most successful bands of all time. Rebecca Black may actually have a bright future ahead of her.
1. Anything by the Black Eyed Peas
Oh goodness. Their entire songbook might as well have been written by a thirteen-year-old. Actually, come to think of it, most of it seems like it was written FOR a thirteen-year-old.Fergie: So what if we include the lyrics "Mazel Tov"?Will.I.Am: Shit, that'll KILL at the Hirschfeld Bar MitzvahWeird Asian Looking Guy: (handing over sheet music) I've also written a song called "The Soul's Never-Ending Escape."Will.I.Am: (looking it over) I love where you're going with this. I do. But you're fired unless you change the all the words to "Boom Boom Pow."Weird Asian Looking Guy: All of them?Will.I.Am: Goddamnit Yes. And Fergie get back to urinating on yourself and writing songs about lumps n' humps. We have an empire to build. And a Bar Mitzvah to rock.