Sell
some of your bodily fluids and buy a comfortable couch.Youâre going to be spending some time
on it, so it might as well be irresistibly soft.Think suede and think it hard. You can sell your blood, semen, eggs, or vital organs.But remember, medical facilities prefer
them separately.
Work on
a personal vice.With all this
time on your hands, youâll need some way to magically pass it by.Something inexpensive.Cheap alcohol is a terrible thing,
before, during, and after you drink it.Pot is kind of cheap, but not as cheap as licking the mold in your
bathtub.Wink.
What day
is it again?What are we
doing?Oh, yeah, weâre
unemployed.You should look for a
job.But donât hit the job boards
everyday.Ask everyone you come in
contact with who they know and what they do and eventually everyone will hate
you enough so that youâll never find gainful employment again.Do this everyday.
Man this
couch is great.The next thing you
need to do is shower.Itâs been a
couple days, right?Ugh, Iâll be
right back.
Now that
weâre clean.Oh what are you
doing?Vodka again?This nice-ass couch and hedonism are a
dangerous combination.And this
couch.Damnnnnn.
Sorry,
OK.Where were we?Right.The absolute next most important thing you need to
accomplish is finding a woman unhindered enough in her opinions that she would
sleep with an unemployed man, yet not SO lewd in her actions that she actually
hasâ¦yet, as this is the last time youâll be having sex with a person until you
get a job.
Nice,
you got a job interview.Work on
dressing the part. Have you worn anything other than boxers and the occasional
mesh short/v-neck tee combo you don to get the mail and greet food
deliverymen?Thatâs your suit over
there in the corner?On the
floor?Tied in rope?Jesus.Do drycleaners do
emergencies?
That
interview went to Hell when they asked what youâve been doing for the past six
months and all you could say was âlearning, but, like, on a personal
level.âWork on your interview
skills.For this I recommend you
ask your parents and grandparents what a job interviewer in the 1930s-80s might
have asked them and let their imaginations run wild with the advice you know is
more precious than gold.Do this
while lying on that couch.Ahhh,
yeah.
Youâre high as Hell.Is that the phone?Hello?They want you to come in for another interview?Awesome!Drug test?Shit.Work on your sweating
skills.You have three days to get
clean.Good luck, idiot.
You failed the test, obviously, you big
fat stupid loser.Continue being
unemployed.Hey, at least you have
a couch.You can sell all your
stuff, but then what would you do all day?Meet girls?HAHA!NO!You could still sell your blood and
stuff until you find a paying gig somewhere else.Something that takes far less blood, but way more of your
soul.Deep.
Find something to do, man.Lounging and everything is cool, but
youâre starting to wear the middle of that couch out to the point that it
droops when you sit upright and youâre considering getting that stupid fucking
thing on TV that supposedly protects your couch cushions against the dangers of
sagging but in reality probably doesnât work work for more than the half-life
of an atom of Copernicium.I donât
know, maybe get a job?
Oh, nice!You found a job AND you donât need to shave for it?Sweet.Good thing too.You can finally get away from that couch.You probably donât ever want to go near it again.Too much time with the couch and the
laying and the VIDEO GAMES. Oh, man, the games.Well, thatâs all over now.Youâve got a shitty, menial job to perform, and I donât
think you could be any happier.
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