A checklist to help you spend your time during your period of un-workingness

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August 23, 2011

  • Sell some of your bodily fluids and buy a comfortable couch.  You’re going to be spending some time on it, so it might as well be irresistibly soft.  Think suede and think it hard.  You can sell your blood, semen, eggs, or vital organs.  But remember, medical facilities prefer them separately.


  • Work on a personal vice.  With all this time on your hands, you’ll need some way to magically pass it by.  Something inexpensive.  Cheap alcohol is a terrible thing, before, during, and after you drink it.  Pot is kind of cheap, but not as cheap as licking the mold in your bathtub.  Wink.

  • What day is it again?  What are we doing?  Oh, yeah, we’re unemployed.  You should look for a job.  But don’t hit the job boards everyday.  Ask everyone you come in contact with who they know and what they do and eventually everyone will hate you enough so that you’ll never find gainful employment again.  Do this everyday.

  • Man this couch is great.  The next thing you need to do is shower.  It’s been a couple days, right?  Ugh, I’ll be right back.

  • Now that we’re clean.  Oh what are you doing?  Vodka again?  This nice-ass couch and hedonism are a dangerous combination.  And this couch.  Damnnnnn.


  • Sorry, OK.  Where were we?  Right.  The absolute next most important thing you need to accomplish is finding a woman unhindered enough in her opinions that she would sleep with an unemployed man, yet not SO lewd in her actions that she actually has…yet, as this is the last time you’ll be having sex with a person until you get a job.

  • I suppose apply to some jobs online if you must.  But it’s just, like, so useless and, like, why would you waste your time doing that if you’re just not going to hear back and, like, why wouldn’t you just do something useful like paint or learn how to cook a soufflé?  Do you know what I mean?

  • Nice, you got a job interview.  Work on dressing the part. Have you worn anything other than boxers and the occasional mesh short/v-neck tee combo you don to get the mail and greet food deliverymen?  That’s your suit over there in the corner?  On the floor?  Tied in rope?   Jesus.  Do drycleaners do emergencies?

  • That interview went to Hell when they asked what you’ve been doing for the past six months and all you could say was “learning, but, like, on a personal level.”  Work on your interview skills.  For this I recommend you ask your parents and grandparents what a job interviewer in the 1930s-80s might have asked them and let their imaginations run wild with the advice you know is more precious than gold.  Do this while lying on that couch.  Ahhh, yeah. 

  • You’re high as Hell.  Is that the phone?  Hello?  They want you to come in for another interview?  Awesome!  Drug test?  Shit.  Work on your sweating skills.  You have three days to get clean.  Good luck, idiot.

  • You failed the test, obviously, you big fat stupid loser.  Continue being unemployed.  Hey, at least you have a couch.  You can sell all your stuff, but then what would you do all day?  Meet girls?  HAHA!  NO!  You could still sell your blood and stuff until you find a paying gig somewhere else.  Something that takes far less blood, but way more of your soul.  Deep.

  • Find something to do, man.  Lounging and everything is cool, but you’re starting to wear the middle of that couch out to the point that it droops when you sit upright and you’re considering getting that stupid fucking thing on TV that supposedly protects your couch cushions against the dangers of sagging but in reality probably doesn’t work work for more than the half-life of an atom of Copernicium.  I don’t know, maybe get a job?

  • Oh, nice!  You found a job AND you don’t need to shave for it?  Sweet.  Good thing too.  You can finally get away from that couch.  You probably don’t ever want to go near it again.  Too much time with the couch and the laying and the VIDEO GAMES. Oh, man, the games.  Well, that’s all over now.  You’ve got a shitty, menial job to perform, and I don’t think you could be any happier.


  •   Well, unless you get laid.  Work on that.