Before we get going, let's just set the record straight: while Bachmann is a Republican candidate, this is not meant to be conservative bashing. This is just an example of a dumb person saying dumb things. That, regardless of affiliation, needs to be called out. But to balance things, please see this picture of Joe Biden deep-throating a sandwich. He is second in command. Let us never forget that.

Anyway, onto Bachmann saying stupid things! Good thing she home-schools her 28 children! Yes, 28! All learning the ways of the world from a master!

1. Comparing Herself to a Serial Killer

Bachmann kicked off her presidential campaign this week in her home town of Waterloo, Iowa. She made a point to compare herself to fellow Waterloo resident, John Wayne. Yes! John Wayne = America. That is a logical comparison to make when running for President. Buuuuuuuuut perhaps she should've done more than skim the Wikipedia page she got that info from, as the John Wayne who once called Waterloo home is…John Wayne Gacy. 

Who's that, you ask? Dynamite question. Gacy is a serial killer, better known as "Killer Clown" after he raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 70s. Totally spot on comparison when you consider Bachmann's new campaign poster: 

*Original clown image via David Weiner

2. Founding Fathers' Mission to Abolish Slavery

Said Bachmann: "The very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States."

Yes yes, our founding fathers fought a vigorous fight against slavery. But just to be sure, let me just crunch some numbers here. By the time slavery was abolished, known slave-owner/founding father Thomas Jefferson had been dead for 39 years and known slave-owner/founding father George Washington had been dead for 66. That can't be right. Oh wait, the founding father she specified was John Quincy Adams. That's fair. He was in fact nine years old when the Declaration of Independence was signed and was clearly a major player. Silly me. 

3. Lexington and Concord Fought in New Hampshire

In a speech in New Hampshire, she announced  she was in the "state where the shot was heard round the world at Lexington and Concord."

Remember that history lesson you had in 5th grade (or 6th…or 7th…or, oh fuck it, you had it every year in middle school) about the shots at Lexington and Concord? That was a great lesson, right? It evoked the spirit of the American Revolution. It's like you could feel yourself fighting for our freedom on the Massachusetts soil! Key word being "Massachusetts." 

4. Just Flat Out Talking Gibberish

She once claimed that the Hoot-Smalley Tariff caused the Great Depression. Listen, we're not gonna pretend that we know what the Hoot-Smalley Tariff is. And that is because it does not exist

5. Democrats = Swine Flu Fanatics

Finding faults in the opposing party's leaders is not out of the ordinary. You find your weaknesses and you attack. It's an unfortunate, yet necessary, aspect of the two-party system. Like if you think there's a connection between Swine Flu and having a Democrat in the White House, you may go ahead make that claim because it is an obvious Achilles' heel of the Democrats and it needs to be exploited. Democrats love giving people diseases and that's been as clear as day since FDR advocated that all Americans be injected with the polio virus. 

Bachmann was insane astute enough to make the connection that before Obama, the last time we saw an outbreak of Swine Flu was during Jimmy Carter's term. Great catch, Michelle! Also totally false. Not that it matters, but it was actually Gerald Ford in office. Whatever, Democrats love sick people because it's all part of their twisted plan to make sure everyone who needs healthcare gets it. Obviously.