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Your First Sexual Partner Will Be A Total Psychopath

He'll also attempt to murder your entire family, carve your name into his chest, and will finger you on a roller coaster. 

Naughty Can Be Fun

Reese circa Pleasantville was a total trollop. But a few awkward fumblings in the back of some dude's car comes in handy if you're ever trapped in a black-and-white 1950s sitcom.

Hold Out, Because Ryan Phillippe Will Want Your V-Card

After watching Ryan Phillippe bone Reese to that oddly appropriate Counting Crows song "Colorblind," it became abundantly clear that it's important to choose the man who will make you a woman very carefully (read: give it to a hottie).

So don't settle for some skinny armed, acne ridden tween. Unless that's all you can get, in which case-- totally go for it!

Sleep Your Way to the Top

Tracy Flick taught us that if you're not talented enough to win something, then it's time to spread those gams and open up to the possibility of sexual favors in exchange for student body president glory.

If You Date a Yuppie They Will Cheat on You

Yuppies are awful, awful people. So, if you choose to let one have sex on you then get ready to be cheated on.

Oh, and they'll also be one (if not all) of the following: a rapist/serial killer/cannibal/necrophiliac/Christian Bale.

Harvard Men Hate Blondes

Dye your hair mousy brown, wear ill-fitting knit sweaters, and just go to parties sans the makeup, because the harder you try, the softer those Harvard boys will get.

Sex Sells

Okay, so the guy you're interested in is married with children, a drug addict, and a notorious womanizer... big deal!

Wait a couple of years, hold his hand through sobriety, let him leave the awful family by the side of the road, and soon enough you'll be touring with his band and making millions for all that time well spent.

Rob(bert Pattinson) the Cradle

Win an Academy Award and become successful enough so that people will pay to watch you have on-camera, simulated sex with much younger men.