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If given the chance I would BITE Johnny Depp. A love bite. He's one of those rare men who makes it onto both men and women's laminated "Celebs I'm allowed to Bang" lists. But alas, he has and always will be taken by another... No, not that French model whom he has babies with and a small island. I'm talking, of course, about his epic bromance with Tim Burton.
Published September 12, 2011 More Info »

Stage One: Lust.




Everything is shiny and fun when it’s new, isn’t it Timmy?

Yes. You’re “In love” and he's “The one,” so why not show you're new boy-toy off to the world?

Show them that you, and only you, truly get Johnny Depp (aka the misunderstood yet incredibly endearing Edward Scissorhands). You'll put the blush into his unfairly high cheekbones.

Stage Two: I Respect You.



This could be serious. Like, FOREVER. As in, I think I'm falling for you.

You need to impress this guy, Tim, show him that you're a real director and make him believe he's a fantastic actor (no matter what!).

No popcorn flick will do. No, no. Only an indie film about another real director like Ed Wood will make the bromance cut. And give him a hag like SJP to throw people off the scent.

Stage Three: Kinky Sex.



It's non-stop blowjobs from here on out!

You have Depp's respect. Now it's time to reap the benefits of making him a major star.

Downside? All that time in the creative sack is gonna lead to a whomp-whomp film. Sorry, Sleepy Hollow, ain't no headless horseman here to save ya!

Unless that horseman has a BDSM kit, then we can talk.

Stage Four: I'm Bored.



The bj's have slowed. Depp had a little fling on the side with Pirates of the Caribbean. And Burton isn't getting any younger...

You just need to get the spark back. No, seriously, this will work! Remake a classic like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (it sucked anyways without all those modern VFX, right?). And that louse, Gene Wilder? Total hack.

This will be the band aid to fix everything!

Stage Five: I've Made a Huge Mistake.



The band aid fell off, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tanked. Now what?

Well, sometimes when people are in love, or bored, or want to have a big party with cake... they get married.

Also, sometimes, that is a HUGE mistake.

Case in point: Corpse Bride.

Stage Six: We Can Fix This.


[An actual love letter written by Tim Burton to Johnny Depp]

My Johnny, sparkly dove angel, listen to me: We can fix this!

I know a fantastic little musical about revenge that I think could be our next big "thing."You get to wear a Cruella de Vil-esque wig, pretend to be a barber (imagine, a barber!), and I'll even let you sing.

We can make this work. Please don't leave me. I love you and your thin, sparkly dove angel arms.

Stage Seven: I Give Up.


Forget it. The honeymoon's over. Depp signed on for a 5th installment of the Pirates franchise, and now you can’t stand each other.

So! Ruin another children’s classic, force the bro you-want-to-destroy to star as the crazy man who only wants tea parties, and paint his face like a French whore.

Revenge tastes sweet, eh Burton?
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