Remove silica packets from all L.L. Bean jackets

Purchase W.W.E., run a tight ship of drug testing and professional officiating

Kidnap Daniel Tosh, reprogram to tell strictly non-ethnic jokes

Access Do Not Call List, call

Cut head from Lincoln Memorial, dump in Shelbyville

Invite Joe Biden to kegger, draw penis on forehead when he passes out

Donate heavily to presidential political campaign, secure honoree position heading obscure executive agency without background check or relevant experience, perform poorly

Sell upskirt photo of Nancy Pelosi to TMZ

Hack into Google Maps, make all directions lead to nearest RadioShack

Strategically place 1 million banana peels in front of Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Pour sugar in gas tank of Air Force One

Steal every pornographic movie from all adult-entertainment stores, keep at compound for ransom or whatever

Reform Afghani society, economy and political system, beat Austin for 2020 Summer Olympics in Kandahar