Cool as Ice
-Okay, so who's the hottest rap singer around? We need a star for a very dramatic movie.-One of the guys from a Tribe Called Quest?-I'd prefer someone's who's career has some longevity. Not some flash-in-the-pan.-Right-o. M.C. Hammer? -â¦.(sigh)â¦-You know, 'U Can't Touch This'? 'Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em'?-I know who he is I just wish you weren't such an idiot all the time, Jenkins. -Sorry.-Who else you got?-I've been reading up on Vanilla Ice. He seems very popular and whose career will in no-way fizzle out.-Sweet Moses, do you think we could get him? -Well, he's filming 'Ninja Turtles 2' next week---SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK. -What?-He's obviously the PERFECT CASTING CHOICE FOR MY DRAMATIC FILM AND I CANNOT BELIEVE WE DIDN'T GET HIM.-Sir, I think his appearance in the turtles film is only a cameo. -A cameo?-A cameo. -Get me the Academy on the phone. With Vanilla Ice on board, we should reserve our seats for the Oscars right now. -But what to call it?-I don't know. The marketing wizards will handle that. But just know that in 20 years, everyone will still be talking about this film. For the right reasons, of course.
Batman and Robin
-What do you mean the suits don't have nipples?-The costume designer felt it may lookâ¦wellâ¦gay.-If I can't get nipples, I don't greenlight this picture. Simple as that. -â¦(sigh)â¦-That sounded like the sigh of someone who knows that the inclusion of nipples on dark, yet beloved, comic book heroes is essential to a quality film. -Fine. We'll do the nipples. -Hot dog!-Who's directing this one?-Joel.-Oh, Schumacher? That guy certainly does not ruin franchises. Get the Academy on line one, please.
-Okay, so what if we got an all-star castâ¦ I'm talking Larenz Tate, Terrence Howard, Ryan Phillippe, Matt Dillon, Don Cheadle--- -You had me at "Tate." -Right, so it's about race and stuff. -A gritty portrayal, perhaps?-Totes. We'll say the N-word like all the time. -As in Oscar Nomination?-Haha, no, as in ni---WHOA JENKINS. Save it for the film. -Good call. So the writer's already got one line written. It's for the trailer, but I bet we can use it in the movie, too, unless it's too good: " In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."-â¦I don't know, Jenkins. When you open your mouth and sounds come out, all I hear is the description of the worst movie of all time. -Be that as it may, but I think this will win the Academy Award for best film. -Doesn't the Academy only reward quality films that are in no way trite representations of race in this country?-â¦-You're right. As you're aware, on my telephone, the Academy is speed-dial #2. I'd appreciate it if you pressed that button immediately.