Man Claims to be with TV show, Sucks Toe in Walmart
A man shopping in an Augusta, GA Walmart told a woman he was with a TV show and convinced her that if she let him suck her toe she could shop for free. Alas, the weird man presumably in sweatpants and a dirty wifebeater had nothing to do with TV or Walmart. In fact her scream of "BUT FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS WAS CANCELED!!" prompted the man to gaze up and reportedly reply "It tasted so good though!" (seriously, this was quoted in the papers) before running off into fresh air to find more toes in need of suckling. I would have guessed that the fetishest nature of his request and the fact he didn't have a camera would have tipped her off but, hey, you know what they say! You can find just about any and everything at Walmart...
Transexual Charged With Manslaughter in Florida "Butt-Injection" Case
As if you needed another reason NOT to get shady, illegitimate plastic surgery from unaccredited strangers, Oneal Ron Morris of Hollywood was charged with manslaughter this Thursday after Shatarka Nuby died from "massive systemic silicone migration".
Nicknamed "The Duchess" or in this case I guess, "Dr. The Duchess", Morris is known for injecting women with substances such as super glue, cement and even the tire product Fix-A-Flat to fix their presumably flat asses.
"The Duchess" told the patient's aunt she was being injected with Silicone from Home Depot and sealing the wounds with super-glue soaked cotton balls. Whoa, who would have thought that could go wrong?!
Cambodians Are Flocking to Touch a Log
According to the local village chief, the log has received over 12,000 visitors in just two weeks. The visitors then rub the "magic log" hoping to win the lottery or heal their incurable maladies. No one is exactly sure why people believe the log is so magical, although it's rumored to have been underground for over 100 years without rotting. I however, believe that the local farmer who claimed to have found it was just REALLY lonely and sort of creepy. Like that unmarried uncle who offers to let you play with his train set if you'll just stop by with your friends' and touch his wood for a second...
Disney Kicks "Santa" Out Of Their Park
Thomas Tolbert is fat, rosey cheeked with a beard and the spitting image of Santa Claus. That's why Disney World had to order the 52-year old to stop posing for pictures and telling inquiring children that he was indeed the one to fly down their chimney each December. Nope, it's not Santa kids, just an odd obese man from the deep south who wants everyone to think he's old Saint Nick for some reason.
"Santa" is pretty vexed at having Disney attempt to steal his thunder, though. “I wasn’t wearing a red suit, a hat or black boots! Just khaki pants, red high-top sneakers with green laces and a billowy, specially-made shirt decorated with a collage of Santa Claus heads and sayings from ‘The Night before Christmas." Tolbert complained to NBC news.
Good point Mr. Tolbert. How could toddlers confuse those two images?
Rape Me Elmo Screams Anti-Sematic Rants At Strangers
Speaking of strange middle-aged men posing as children's characters, a NYC based Elmo impersonater was recently taken into police custody after being videotaped screaming anti-sematic remarks outside of the Central Park zoo. This led to the discovery of Elmo's dark past. Apparently, aside from being an anti-sematic man ironically named "Adam Sandler", he is also the creator of a Cambodian based website titled, “ Welcome to the Rape Camp". The website is comprised of sex slaves who were shown being humiliated, raped and tortured. Makes you think that those Cambodian sex slaves really should have rubbed a magic log, huh?!
No but seriously, who would have thought the man who dresses up as Elmo and hangs out in Central Park hugging stranger's children was a creep?!
Scientists Claim Football Causes Pedophilia
In a cartoonish hypothesis following the Sandusky scandle, a certain handful of scientists are claiming that knocks on the head caused by years of diligent football playing may lead to pedophilia. As if this has all just been some early 90's sitcom plot and all Coach Sandusky needs is to be whacked on the head in the same spot before he wakes up from his "pedophila phase".
I dunno scientists, I think it's a little more complicated then that. I mean sure Mike Tyson bit off a man's ear, but where are all the little boys this would presumably lead him to touch? And does this mean Catholic priests' love football too?! and what about "Welcome to Rape-Camp Elmo"?! Was he really just the star of his high school football team before one too many tackles led him to "Rape-Camp"?!?
Maybe we'll find out in the next edition of WTF?! News. Eh, probably not. But one can only hope next month is at least a little less creepy...