1) Finally Remove the Christmas Decorations Off the Roof
You were the big-shot who decided to put up the elaborate Christmas decorations on the roof this year, that was before you almost broke open your coconut and before your new ex-girlfriend got a little friendly with the mall Santa and at least a few of the elves. The plastic Rudolph is melting up there, right? It must be. Hasn't Rudy gone through enough shit? Besides, the roof is on fire is only a song, it probably isn't that terrible for a person. Okay, cutting the bullshit, you may have recently misrepresented yourself on JDate. Hey, some of those Jewish gals are lookers.
2) Grill That Steak
You know, the one that you put in the fridge instead of the freezer when you were definitely not hammered, Broseph, just happy and now only remember it when you open up the fridge and get a whiff only rivaled by that time you accidentally smelled your boxers after a night of tacos and cerveza. That aroma just means throw some A1 sauce and salt on that baby and it'll be more than fine. Fire up that smoldering grill in the backyard. Shit, you're not going to let a passable 8 dollar steak go to waste. That's why you can't resist stopping into the local Sizzler.
3) Get the Softball Gang Back Together
Sure, the team has been on a hiatus since 1993, but not much has changed since then, right? The catcher may be gone for the past few years due to a drag racing incident of someone thirty years his junior, but everyone chipped in over the years to add enough weight to equal the ninth and a tenth man (an extra person sometimes, softball - you so crazy). Balls fly out of the park when it's hotter, right? That's what the old white baseball announcer said. Chicks dig the long ball, even if they were just kicked off their field by us. They can curse us out under their braces, but they still wished their little girl wrists could whack a softball 200 feet.
4) Wash Your Man's Car, Inside and Out
In that recent movie that you were totally going to see, Cameron Diaz, a woman getting up there in age, washed a car and all the guys loved it. When you were in high school, you washed a few cars for charity and all the guys at the school went wild for you. You're a little older now, but you know that your guy will flashback to that Whitesnake video when you get on top of that car. "Motherfucker!!!" The hood is scorching hot as you get branded with an Isuzu logo on your backside. And that giant dent in the hood was always there, nothing to do with not losing the baby weight yet, which should remind you to pick up your only child from summer middle school. Unfortunately, the town's water conservation order is in full effect and the car's AC has been shot meaning those black leather won't breathe too well inside that hot mess inside. But you're allotted to use a cup of water, which eyeballing the car, has got to be enough.
5) Organize that Neighborhood Chili Cook-Off You've Been Holding Off On
You just got a killer discount on cans of beans at the supermarket and honestly, who knows how long those last? Your neighbor complemented your chili the last time he was over, but said he liked to make his with a little more spice, perhaps the single biggest insult one man can say to another. Studying him like a hawk over the past few days, it doesn't appear that he was so fortunate to get the bean deal. So now's the time to throw down that challenge. Add Nancy from across the street into the cook-off to mask the fact that this is simply a mano-a-mano thing. She is known in the neighborhood as an excellent baker, thus having no shot in hell in winning the great manly chili cook-off.