Even if you donât watch the news (Bachelor Pad episodes are
2 hours long, I donât have time to watch the news too!) you must be aware that
the Middle East is a violent shit show right now. (I guess pretty much like
always?) There are a lot of horrifying injustices happening which is why itâs
important to pay attention and also very difficult for me to stomach. With so
much going on, itâs hard to sort out. First thing I think of when I hear Middle
East isâ¦well actually their food. They have great food. I could really go for a
falafal right now. After this can we all go for falafal? In the mean time, here
is all you need to know* about the Middle Eastern conflicts.
*You donât need to know any of this. In fact, a lot of it may
This is the big one lately. You
probably know about Libya from BACK TO THE FUTURE. They were the guys who tried
to kill Doc and Marty over stolen plutonium. In real life, their leader, Gadafi
(thereâs like 100 different spellings of his name so I pick that one) has
totally been a dick for like 40 years. A good way to remember this guy is with
Fred Armisenâs impression on SNL. Lately, Gadafi has been shooting at citizens
and killed a ton of them for protesting him. The rebels are doing well though
and I think they will win. The reason I think that? Because their chant for
liberty is âItâs over frizz head.â Right on.
Home of the pyramids! Something here about their leader whoâs name was Mubarak
and he was being a jerk like Gadafi â the âdonât listen to me or Iâll kill youâ
kind of leader. Egyptians started a revolt and then the government tried to
shut down Twitter. (!) Iâm 80% sure that heâs not in charge anymore so thatâs
good. Fred Armisen does an impression of this guy too, but he wears a suit.
Weâve been at war with them for
like 10 years because Bush Jr. thought they had nuclear weapons and/or helped
with 9/11. Turns out neither was true, but we scared Saddam Hussein into hiding
and found him in a hole. Like a baby that fell into a well. His hair was all
messed up and he hadn't shaved.
Guess who played him on SNL? Horatio Sanz, but I bet Fred Armisen would be great.
Iran has a crazy leader named Ahmadinejad, which is just fun to say once you learn how to say it.
Donât you guys think that he probably does have the weapons of mass destruction
that we thought Saddam had? Right? He one time said basically that God gave him
atomic weapons as a gift. For Ramadan? Do Muslims give each other gifts for that?
A good way to keep him straight with the others is that Fred Armisen plays him
on SNL. This time with a beard!
Sidenote: how great is Fred Armisen? Reminder: PORTLANDIA
Syria is in the middle of their
own possible overthrow â Uprising 3! They have a coo coo leader who is not
learning anything from Egypt or Libya. His name is something like Mr. Saad.
Iâll tell ya whatâs saad, itâs saad that everyone doesnât have freedom! (Forced
Pun!) My advice â apologize to your people and give everyone free Netflix.
All I know about this country is
that it is full of princes and oil.
This is where Osama Bin Laden was
hiding! In a house with really high walls so no one would see him. And I heard he never left and just watched porn all day. Then the kick ass Navy Seals came in and shot
that mother fucker in the head. Sorry to curse, but thatâs really the only
way to talk about that. Watch this for proof. Anyway, I guess Pakistan is pissed
at us because we didnât tell them we were gonna come in there and kill that mother fucker Osama. But
guess what, we were pissed at him first so, too bad so sad.
Whoops, weâve totally overstayed
our welcome there. This is the countrysome people thought Osama was hiding in. He wasnât. We shot that mother
fucker in Pakistan!
DUBAI (UNITED ARAB EMERITES)
Only for rich people. For real. They have an indoor ski resort. Not kidding.
I see tourism commercials for Turkey all the time on television. Eh, I don't think so Turkey. You're guilty by association for bordering Iran and Syria. Pass. Go straight to Cabo.