14 different people that are going to be eating meat in your back yard barbecue this summer

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June 09, 2012

Overly Protective Griller

This is the guy who gets to the BBQ earlier than anyone else and leaves only when you want to bone down with some drunk whore and she's weirded out by a guy grilling in the dark by himself in your backyard.  He'll yell at anyone who touches anything on the grill be it on fire or not.  He'll laugh in your face if you want something cooked Well Done.  He'll be a total asshole.


This guy, though annoying, is a necessary evil.  Without this grill hog you wouldn't be able to eat any hot dogs, burgers, or even grilled hog and your 3-day weekend would be that much less American and therefore less awesome.

Plus, he's probably been putting bacon inside of things you previously thought no bacon could go. (see: Bacon Explosion)

Guy who's guacamole/seven layer dip/whatever you've "GOT TO TRY!"

OMG OMG OMG!!!  You haven't tried my buffalo chicken dip???  You haven't tried my jalapeño guacamole fiesta dip???  You haven't tried my desperate need of your approval???

These people will bring you awesome things to dip celery in, yes, it's true.  However, they will have spent all day and all night last night preparing the perfect addition to your BBQ because they make up for personality and awesomeness with cooking ability.  They're more likely than not decent people, but once the conversation goes beyond which kind of cheeses they've used you'll be talking to a deer in headlights.

But don't forget to get that recipe before they leave, otherwise you might have to talk to them again.

Guy who brings a bottle of scotch and doesn't want to share it with anyone

You've got to treat drinking at a BBQ like drinking at the beach.  The drink of choice at a BBQ is canned beer.  Shitty, cheap, American canned beer.  Cans can't break, they're fun to shotgun, and they sometimes turn blue when they're cold enough to drink.  Some people bring bottles of nicer beer or even micro brews and that's just fine.  Besides the danger of stepping on broken glass and bottle caps winding up everywhere there's nothing bad about a good beer.  Some people bring whisky.  These are true Americans.  If someone rolls up with a bottle of Wild Turkey you know that at least a third of the people there are gonna bone down later on, and that's awesome.

However, every now and then there will be a guy who brings too nice (expensive) of a bottle of booze, Johnny Blue, 18 year Glen, etc, and doesn't want ANYONE ELSE to drink it.  Sharing is good, haven't you gone to kindergarden, Booze Hog?  He's most likely trying to impress some whore with his exquisite taste and it won't work (he doesn't have any taste) and he'll wind up drinking that whole bottle himself, alone, not at the BBQ.

These guys suck, trick them and steal thier booze.

Guy with way too many dogs

I love dogs.  I have a Golden Retriever mix named Zack Morris (Preppy) and I take him with me all over town, including to BBQs.  He loves it, it's good for everyone.  This is one dog I'm talking about.  When someone shows up with a pack of dogs there's going to be trouble.  I don't care if they're the most well behaved dogs in the world, if there's a whole bunch of them in a crowded area with grilled meat there's gonna be issues.

Dogs shit everywhere.  They shit more freely than us bipeds and if you have a ton of them with you, and especially if you didn't take them out for a sweet dump before you came over, you're going to be cleaning up doggie dookie all day in an area where people will be standing all day.  People are turned off by this, especially if you miss some and a whiny chick who wore $300 heels to a BBQ for some reason steps in some.  No one is happy at this point and leaving a party is even more awkward when you have to heard animals on your exit.

Guy with way too many weird, exotic animals

What the hell is that?  A sloth?  Can I touch it?  No?  Why did you bring it here?  OMG is that an Otter?  Can I touch it?  No?  Why the hell did you bring it here?

These people are weird and might have broken into a zoo.

Guy who is making out with that weird chick in the corner all day

Making out with people is fun, sloppy, and gives me boners.  But when that guy your friend brought is in the corner of the BBQ making out with a chick trying to OTPFB (over the pants finger blast) her becuase you drove and he has nowhere else to go it's weird.  Be an adult about it, get a cab (or steal a car) and go rail the ugly off that chicks face.

This person probably also stole a bottle of whisky from you, and maybe your car.

Guy who eats all the food

Food is delicious and I thoroughly enjoy eating it.  I'm a large American and I can put away more food than you can shake a stick at.  Hell, I'll probably take that stick and make a hamburger kabob. That being said, when you're at a party you're not supposed to eat ALL of the food.  Sure, try a little of everything and when you find what tickles your taste buds the most dig in, but be reasonable about it.  And remember, people are looking at you, judging you, and they're hungry because you ate all of their food.  When I see people like this it makes me mad because they're giving huge dudes a bad name... and they're eating all of my food.

Guy on mushrooms

I don't know what kind of BBQs all of you out there in TV land go to, but at my BBQs there are going to be some people who ate mushrooms.  This usually will happen with a group of people and they will be giggling.  No one takes mushrooms alone in group setting, that's reserved for when you're trying to decide whether or not to drop out of art school and buy that motorcycle that your dad said you can't afford.

The best way to handle these 'laughing so hard they're crying' hippies is to leave them be.  They're expanding their minds and experiencing things you will never understand.  That is, unless they have some more mushrooms and you join them.  Which I highly recommend.  Have you every talked to a tree about the meaning of life while standing on an ocean of golden water?  if not, you've never taken mushrooms.

Guy with a frisbee

Frisbees are a good time.  There's nothing quite like chucking a disc around with some of your tight buds, but a BBQ is not the quentessential place to do such a thing.  There's a lot of people in a small space, there's a ton of stuff to knock over, drinks, food, people on mushrooms.  Once the guy who brought the frisbee realizes this he'll possibly break out a hacky sack and experience the same problems.  Aeronomical tomfoolary is frowned upon and people will get pissed off when a hacky sack lands in their potato salad.

More often than not this person will join the people on mushrooms and everyone will be better for it.

Guy with veggie burgers

Kick this guy out of your barbecue.  It doesn't matter that you're a vegitarian, pescatarian, vegan, whatever, there's tons of non meat related foods at BBQs and you can mow doen on those.  Don't sully the grill with your fake burger that's "just as good."  It's not.  Go watch Saving Private Ryan and rethink why you're not utilizing your right to eat meat.

By not eating meat you're essentially saying "fuck you" to all the brave men and women who have died fighting for your freedom.  Go suck a carrot asshole.

Guy with a ton of weed

This guy is your best friend.  He's the guy who always has a bunch of weed on him and all the tools needed to take a toke.  The best thing about this savior of sativa is that he never once asks for cash.  He'll load a pipe and pass it around all day just to make the party 17% more enjoyable.  Look for him hanging out with anyone who's on mushrooms or is talking about how we need to legalize weed.

Creepy guy selling weed

This is the opposite of the cool guy smoking everyone up.  This is the guy who has a bunch of pre-weighed bags of shitty weed for sale.  This isn't 1996, weed is everywhere and is basically legal.  There's no need to buy from a weirdo slinging dime bags of schwag anymore.  This guy will be as far away as the people on mushrooms as possible because they think that he is the devil, which he pretty much is.

Guys watching one dude grill everything

These people are essential to any good BBQ.  Even if the guy grilling is overprotective and aggressive about how grilling is properly done, he will always need "helpers."  These proud Americans are helping by standing around the grill, looking at the meat, and drinking beers.  The only restriction on being considered a "helper" is that every few minutes you have to mention something grill or BBQ related but without offending the griller (ie - "That's a great looking burger" or "I love this grill, it gives me more boners than Jessica Alba's sweet butt").

Drunk Whores

The best/worst part of any good BBQ.  The drunk whore most likely brought some sort of sangria, jungle juice, or whore punch because "beer has too many carbs," but when she was making it with her gaggle of drunk whores they decided to put in wayyyyy too much vodka and not nearly enough actual juice.  This will create a five step breakdown of the BBQ for them:

  1. Getting Buzzed
    They will start singing along with the music, high fiving people (always fun), and overall being in a state of drunkenness that you wish all girls always were.  Oh, and Stephanie lost Jessica's camera.
  2. Drunk
    They've moved on to their third drink of whore juice, which, according to the DMV Alcohol Consumption Chart they got in the mail after their last DUI, has enough booze in it to put down a small moose.  The singing is starting to get annoying.
  3. Wasted
    Jessica found her camera and now must document every aspect of the party.  This includes a lot of pictures of feet, fingers covering lenses, and 20 pictures of that one guys spinach artichoke dip you've "GOT TO TRY"
  4. Trashed
    This is when the feeding begins.  The main wave of eating has more than passed so the drunk whores are scavenging for food to absorb all the Raspberry Stoli and Peach Schnapps that's in their whore juice.  This is the quietest they will be all week.
  5. Blacked Out
    The combination of a gallon of whore juice, meat, Sun Chips, and cheese has finally caught up.  The movement of the drunk whore at this point will best resemble an old timey, slow moving zombie.  Someone at this point should take these whores home and put them to bed.  No sex tonight with these drunk whores, but you can stay over to sleep off the booze, and, if you're lucky, she'll let you do some deep dicking in the morning as a thank you for getting her home safe and sound.  But beware, there might be brunch involved!  It's best to just hit that puss and run.  Unless you really like $14 mimosas.