Hall of Fame
Everyone hooks up at the bar. At the bare minimum bars are out there so you can get blackout drunk and make poor decisions. If you’ve never hooked up with someone at a bar/outside the bar/by the dumpster in the alley near a bar then get to your nearest watering hole, down a few shots of Jager, and make out with the first person that makes eye contact. Pretty much every couple you know met at a bar. Because you’re all lushes. You’ll totally admit that’s how you met.
This is basically an excuse to get sweaty, go drink, and then get sweaty again. Watch that cute brunette wind up with all her might and hurl a dodgeball at your gut. Yep, that’s her sex face. The guy that keeps slide tackling you in soccer, that’s the new pulling your pigtails. Either that or he’s just a dick. Whatever, you’re still gonna hook up with them. And admit it.
Doing drugs with a potential new partner speeds up the intimacy process, especially if you are sharing needles. We get it. You like to get high. Your new friend likes to get high. You both enjoy glow sticks, raves, and sitting on the couch watching old school cartoons for hours on end. You two are a match made in heaven. Speaking of heaven, do you think it’s, like, full of cotton candy? Wow, I’m hungry. Who’s got Cheetos?
Honestly the only people who think church is an acceptable place to meet someone is your mother and the guy with the creepy stare who plays guitar for that Creed cover band. Even Jesus looks unhappy about being in church. He just hangs there with that sad look on his face. While you normally lie to your mother about going to church (sinner), you actually go to the potluck single’s mixer and pray for a miracle -that you can find your equally desperate soul mate and maybe God. Both are pretty unlikely. Even if you do you probably won’t admit it. Except to your mom.
1 in 5 relationships begin online, but only 1 in 1,000 will admit it. If you are relying on a dating website then you’ve probably already crafted an elaborate fake “how we met” story. (Remember when finding love online was only for perverts?) Your friends may tell you it’s cool that you met someone online. They may say it’s what you have to do these days, but they know the truth same as you – your personality and looks are so unappealing that your only hope is match.com. You may need new friends by the way. Do yourself a favor and avoid this scenario. Just lower your fucking standards like everybody else and stop being a snob. Get drunk. Shoot up. Make a casserole. Whatever it takes. Instead of having to live with the fact you got paired up by some algorithm you’ll at least have a real story about how you met. One you’ll actually admit.