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Like any human being, you've told Apple you read the iTunes terms and conditions. And like any human being, you are a liar. So what's inside that dissertation that Apple expect you to read? Aside from the feeling of loneliness you feel when spending an entire weekend reading it, there are a few sections that are eye-opening.
Published December 10, 2012 More Info »
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Published December 10, 2012

If You're Scalping iTunes Gift Cards, You're In For a Rude Awakening

I'm not really sure who this is intended for. But if you're reading this, volatile iTunes gift card black market, your days are numbered. Think you're getting full price for that gift card your coworker got you as a gift because she clearly knows nothing about you? YOU WOULD BE MISTAKEN. 

It's Your Fault There May Be Typos

Wait, what? I mean, I understand that the point of these conditions are to legally bind someone into every action possible but don't lump your careless bullshit in with our impulsive tendency to buy deep cuts from Carly Rae Jepsen multiple times because we worried the first 10 clicks didn't go through. Your typos, your problem, Apple. 

On the other hand, this is the type of gumption that Steve Jobs made a standard at Apple. You think Apple ever would have apologized for Maps had Jobs been alive? Nope. That guy didn't even apologize for typos. That shit was your fault, not his. You were just reading it wrong. 

Amazon Owns the Rights to the Phrase and Technology of '1-Click'

I had no idea that was something you could copyright. That's like if I one day went around saying I'd like to copyright bagels. Also, does anyone have the phone number to that Patents Office because I have a complaint that other people have eating and distributing bagels, which is my intellectual property.

Their Perception of Teenagers is Slightly Skewed

Sure, okay, Apple. Yeah, on the off-chance that a teenager is taking a break from all his/her sexting and selfies, they're totally gonna go find their parent to sit down and read the 100,000 word essay on digital rights management. C'mon, Apple, you know better than that. This might as well have read "You won't read this because you're busy skateboarding to your Google Hangout and chillaxing at the Max."*

*For what it's worth, I have no idea what teenagers do these days, either. 

This Piece of Shit Restriction Still Exists

Whoever wrote this section must've also covered the teenagers part because they clearly have no idea what's going on anywhere or anytime. Who is still burning playlists and, more importantly, who is BURNING A PLAYLIST SEVEN TIMES. "Oh, I have a CD for my Discman, one for my car, and one for my unicorn because I don't exist." 

Apple Can Deprive Us of iTunes at Any Moment

HOLY SHIT APPLE COULD JUST TAKE AWAY ITUNES "FROM TIME TO TIME" AND IT'S WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS AND UNDERSTANDABLY SO THIS IS IMPORTANT DON'T FUCK WITH US APPLE ARE U GOING TO ACT ON THIS STOP PLAYING GOD U ARE NOT GOD

I Have Way Too Much Time on My Hands

That one may or may not be real. True, either way.

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