Ranking the top reasons why green is the best of all colors.

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August 08, 2011

4. Money

Greed is good according to Gordon Gecko.  Money makes the world go round and it's been said that anyone who says money is the root of all evil just doesn't have any.  Every been behind on bills?  When you are, you're not begging for sunshine and happy thoughts are you?  Nope, you're wondering if you're going to have to sell rocks to the kids or start blowing people behind an alley.  I like money and if I had enough I would swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck.  I'm not saying your only goal should be to have money, but it's kind of necessary.

Biggie once said Mo' Money, Mo' Problems which might be true (I don't know because I'm broke), but I guarantee if you were to ask him to give it all away he would look at you with his one good eye and then slap you for being stupid.  The phrase should just be "whatever your financial situation, mo' problems."

3. Captain Planet

This one has a ton of different reasons for being awesome.  If you're a hippie, then you'll love Captain Planet because he promoted a green earth.  He fought pollution, smog, radiation (where were you in Japan?), and all kinds of environmental dangers.  One part I didn't understand was using child labor to help fight super villains.  Seems kind of inappropriate to take third world kids and have them fight it out until they got their asses kicked enough to give Mr. Planet a call.  Plus you give the Indian kid heart? What's he going to do with that?  The villains were all "Eco-villains" that promoted poaching poor animals and polluting as much as possible.  Side note: There were some heavy hitters who voiced the bad guys like Meg Ryan, Martin Sheen, Sting, and Jeff Goldblum).

Now for my favorite reason green is awesome because of Captain Planet.  GREEN MULLET! Nuff said.

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Turtles that are martial artists and eat pizza and are trained by a rat?  SOLD.  I was a huge fan when I was kid.  I don't know how many Halloweens I spent dressed up as a turtle and pretended to do karate moves to the dog.  There were the movies (ignore the third one), the comics which it was based, the cartoons, and of course the merchandise.  Every kid in my generation watched Ninja Turtles and if they didn't, they probably ended up shooting the school or killed themselves because their lives sucked.  The 4 turtles got transformed by goop and then a martial arts rat named Splinter trained them to be ninjas and they would shout phrases like cowabunga like they were all douchey California people.  They also had a knack for overusing the word "dude," but it didn't matter because they were awesome.  All the turtles were named after artists so there was Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, and Donatello.  Leo was the leader, Raph was the loose cannon, Mikey was the comic relief, and Don was the brains of the operation.  They fought a ninja gang call the Foot Clan and their evil leader Shredder.  Shredder wore badass armor and really hated turtles for some reason.  Maybe his being Japanese and dressed in armor while living in New York had something to do with it.


1. The Green Power Ranger

Some people may not agree with this guy being number one, but this is my list so you can screw yourself.  My favorite color is green to this day because of the green ranger.  Everyday after school I would watch Power Rangers (the original, not the shitty ones after) and then reenact what I saw at school the next day.  BTW, I recently re-watched the show on Netflix and it was truly terrible, but yet I couldn't stop watching.  I'm still entertained by it.  The Power Rangers were a group of kids from Angel Grove who a giant floating head in a cylinder decided that he wanted them to fight evil monsters that the evil Rita Repulsa brought to earth.  He wanted "teenagers with attitudes" so he looked in a juice bar.  Why not go to a detention center?  Zordon has his ways.  They get offered the powers and they finally decide they should even though Kimberly doesn't want to because her hair will get messed up in the helmet.  Rita doesn't take kindly and every day sends a new monster to fight the rangers and then she throws her staff and makes the monster grow (which no one in Angel Grove seems to notice that a giant monster destroys their city everyday).  The monsters were silly though.  One was made completely out of eyeballs and they had a hard time beating it (why not throw sand on it?)  So they have to use giant robot dinosaurs to defeat the monster which combine to become a mega zord.

After countless attempts, Rita decides to make a power ranger of her own.  That's where the green ranger comes in.  It happens to be the new kid Tommy Oliver (a shade of green btw), who is a bad ass martial artist who does flip kicks in the school hallway just to show he's awesome. He looks like the other rangers, except he has a cool chest piece on that blew my 3rd grade mind away because I thought it was the greatest suit I ever saw.  So he beats the shit out of the power rangers and even gets a flute that calls the Dragonzord which makes Jason's T-Rex zord look like a pussy.  They eventually help Tommy break a spell and he becomes a good power ranger.  He's so amazing that very soon after he tells Jason to suck it and he's the new leader of the Rangers.  Tommy became all kinds of other colored rangers like white, black, and red, but the green was his best and the most awesome out of the others.

The show itself had a ton of flaws, including it's slight racism (black ranger is a black guy who just dances, yellow ranger is asian, white ranger is the most powerful), but nonetheless the green ranger is my top reason why green is the best color.