An Idiot's Guide To Planking

So, the latest craze to hit the web is that of "Planking" and no, it isn't a portmanteau for the act of wanking with a plum. In Gladstone, Australia, a man is facing criminal charges for partaking in this latest fad. So not only do we have to deal with being the descendants of convicts, but now we have to be associated with this. Great.

Not heard of it? Well let me fill you in on the finer details.

Basically, Planking is the act of lying down, arms by your side and legs out straight in weird locations. Yeah. That's it. Whatever happened to our youth smoking cones out of apples, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and having loads of premarital sex?  Now lying down is considered an extreme sport.



So, to reach the lofty heights of master planker, consider doing the following:

Practice your technique. Lie on your floor, face down, mentally becoming one with a plank of wood. Check yourself for splinters before taking it to the streets. 

There are underground 'Plank clubs' where misguided teens partake in 'Plank-offs', often with disastrous outcomes.  If you feel ready, you can compare your wood with other enthusiasts, but be prepared to suffer the ignominious fate of 'walking the plank'.

Identify a unique place to plank. To avoid being a Planker-Wanker - Which is nearly impossible because you ARE partaking in the lamest street craze since Parkour - aim to have your photo taken planking at a famous landmark or in a bizarre place. For instance, planking on a table is passe, planking on the periodic table of elements isn't. For extra points, go for the ironic plank -That is planking on top of a literal plank.

So, why is someone being charged for this seemingly harmless act? Well, besides having too much chlorine in his gene pool, he decided to plank on top of a police car. Bad move. After being Rodney Kinged by the police, in a television interview, this lad expressed his desire to become the world's best planker, which is kind of like being the best sexually transmitted disease. Sure, you're the best at what you do, but you still make me piss blood.

Master Planker? More like Master Plonker.

I must be getting old. I can't see the point of this craze. You know when you're in the shower and you get an itchy butthole? Normally you'd scratch it due to having a buffer zone of pant and underwear material between your finger and your balloon knot, but skin to rectum contact is a different matter all together.

You worry about residual fart particles clinging to your finger and multiplying like a family from the ghetto. But you have to scratch it and, summing up all of your courage, you extend your digit and plunge it between the fleshy hotdog buns that are your butt cheeks and awkwardly scratch away, your self-loathing rising exponentially.

Well, that's how I feel when I see pictures of planking...

If for some reason you feel compelled to check out more images of Planking, here are some essential examples. Another good place to start is HERE.

Follow Sean on TWITTER.