So, the latest craze to hit the web is that of "Planking" and no, it isn't a portmanteau for the act of wanking with a plum. In Gladstone, Australia, a man is facing criminal charges for partaking in this latest fad. So not only do we have to deal with being the descendants of convicts, but now we have to be associated with this. Great.
Not heard of it? Well let me fill you in on the finer details.
Basically, Planking is the act of lying down, arms by your side and legs out straight in weird locations. Yeah. That's it. Whatever happened to our youth smoking cones out of apples, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and having loads of premarital sex? Now lying down is considered an extreme sport.
So, to reach the lofty heights of master planker, consider doing the following:
Practice your technique. Lie on your floor, face down, mentally becoming one with a plank of wood. Check yourself for splinters before taking it to the streets.
There are underground 'Plank clubs' where misguided teens partake in 'Plank-offs', often with disastrous outcomes. If you feel ready, you can compare your wood with other enthusiasts, but be prepared to suffer the ignominious fate of 'walking the plank'.
Identify a unique place to plank. To avoid being a Planker-Wanker - Which is nearly impossible because you ARE partaking in the lamest street craze since Parkour - aim to have your photo taken planking at a famous landmark or in a bizarre place. For instance, planking on a table is passe, planking on the periodic table of elements isn't. For extra points, go for the ironic plank -That is planking on top of a literal plank.
So, why is someone being charged for this seemingly harmless act? Well, besides having too much chlorine in his gene pool, he decided to plank on top of a police car. Bad move. After being Rodney Kinged by the police, in a television interview, this lad expressed his desire to become the world's best planker, which is kind of like being the best sexually transmitted disease. Sure, you're the best at what you do, but you still make me piss blood.
Master Planker? More like Master Plonker.
I must be getting old. I can't see the point of this craze. You know when you're in the shower and you get an itchy butthole? Normally you'd scratch it due to having a buffer zone of pant and underwear material between your finger and your balloon knot, but skin to rectum contact is a different matter all together.
You worry about residual fart particles clinging to your finger and multiplying like a family from the ghetto. But you have to scratch it and, summing up all of your courage, you extend your digit and plunge it between the fleshy hotdog buns that are your butt cheeks and awkwardly scratch away, your self-loathing rising exponentially.
Well, that's how I feel when I see pictures of planking...
If for some reason you feel compelled to check out more images of Planking, here are some essential examples. Another good place to start is HERE.
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- for another great website dedicated totally to the sport check out http://www.ratemyplank.com
- I reckon someones gotta know who this is on the plantation rd sign... ...first guess is Midgy am I right Tripz Ova ??
- nice work kids im planning a plankoff right now
- is it just a coincidence that planking rhymes with wanking?
- It's funny how since this article was posted, there have been deaths caused by this fad, a dude's in a coma, Aussie celebrities are under fire for partaking in it, the prime minister and police have made it illegal and mass splankings on war memorials have hit the new... You captured the zeitgeist on this one! Although I've noticed that this article has been posted on many pro-planking websites, which may account for the amount od DIE votes... Those plankers are a funny bunch, aren't they? Very protective of their right to lie down on things
- this has been done in ireland for years and its called the bullet
- You have missed a vital part of the story. The part that actually boosted common knowledge of this stupiditiy in the first place. Some guy was drunk and fell off a building and died. turns out he was drinking and "planking" with his mates. Media loved this. It's the epitomy of stupid and its embarassing that the story originates in Australia where I live.
- i love justin bieber !!!!<3
- The guy planking "at work" made me giggle on the inside a little bit. The guy on the light post... that one was impressive. But all in all - this is rather stupid, as I'm sure we can all agree. On another note, I am rather immature when it comes to farts and stuff and I always laugh, but the wording in this article was rather gross and just... didn't work. Was it supposed to be funny? Looking at these pictures made the person who wrote this have the same feelings as described above (i.e., "plunging" your "digit" into your butt hole where "residual fart particles" are)?
- Flagpole sitting, Phonebooth stuffing, Chinese Firedrills, Streaking...(Not to mention a zillion others). Is Planking really such a surprise?
- I was planking last night with your mother
- This article lost me at "So not only do we have to deal with being the descendants of convicts...." Fuck you Funny or Die.
- planking they banded it at my school it sucks if your caught lying down you get a detention and if ur caught again u get suspended then expelled
- Zac, I read this article before the drunk guy fell off the building and died. So to include that would mean the person who posted this would have to have some kind of psychic ability. This sums up the stupidity without supernatural foresight. Well done MikePattonfan, your articles never fall short of the mark, and this one, created just before the media frenzy, somewhat predicted how far this 'fad' was going, without predicting where/when/how plankers were going to die.
- Kids have been planking off for years - it does not make them go blind, except for that one incident on the bed of nails.
- HAHA... i LOVE THE WAY PLANKING GETS U PPL SO RILED UP. i HEART PLANKING!
- Completely objective news reports not tainted by advertising :: Last Exit to Reality ~ http://lastexittoreality.wordpress.com/2011/10/05/planking-extremely-stupid-or-extreme-sport/