The reasons I will not be going to Coachella this year

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April 13, 2011

1. Nothing will ever be as bangarang dope as Jay-Z ordering Beyonce to sing the hook for “Forever Young” over and over like he was her master. “AGAIN! AGAIN! ONE MORE TIME, B! DO IT IF YOU WANT TO EAT!” as fireworks blasted above them. Then Jay told everyone he was stoked to see The Yeasayers. That ruled, also.

2. Funny Or Die is not going to be giving away “Dick Towels” this year. Sad face.

3. I hear Kirsten Dunst is going to STAGECOACH instead.

4. James Murphy is dead retired. He’s dead to me for covering Franz Ferdinand, anyway.

5. OMC got shafted from the lineup, yet again. How Bizarre – my thoughts exactly.

6. Still not sure who the fuck these guys are. (Hint: It’s Cafianes. Not Early 90’s Pearl Jam). Please email me if you’ve heard of, or heard them. Seriously. I don’t believe they’re a real band.

7. These guys are the special guest, but they’re flying Soutwest to get to Indio. Out of France.

8. Earl Sweatshirt can’t make it. He still be in boot camp. Or sleepaway camp. Camp Nowhere, specifically. Point is: No Earl, no Matt. GOLF WANG. 666. Eat roaches. Hang yourself. (Just kidding, seriously, gaiyz. Don’t do that. I know the line-up is kinda weak, but DO NOT hang yourself just because Tyler did in the “Yonkers” video).

9. Scotty McCreery of American Idol fame will not be playing the Gobi Tent.

10. This guy is going to Bonnaroo

11. Because I am ultimately afraid of running into this guy again: