For far too long now foreign trade zones have been the nation's secret behind both our greatest products and affronts to mankind. Here are the top 6(66) reasons you want to quit your job in America and get in on our business abroad.

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6. No rules! Well less rules! For the employers. Not for the workers.

You'll get about as much freedom as a lab rat while earning around the same salary as one too. But hey! At least you'll never have to worry about whether to watch Dancing With The Stars or Mob Wives again!

5. You will be treated like a human robot and expected to move upwards of 16,000 units in one shift.

Not a cool one like "Short-Circuit" or "Robo-Cop" or Lisa from "Weird Science". Unlike American 80's movie robot's (who tended to suck at their jobs), you get to perform with super-human speed and agility. You also get to do so without any of the pesky  "attention", "original thought" or "bathroom breaks" those silly human's value so much!! Muhahaha!!!


4. Absolute and utter silence.

The ambience is very zen. You get to work incredibly long shifts in complete and utter silence, so that somewhere in America a drunk 14 year old can text "Lol! :)" to her bff while ALSO listening to the Trey Songz hit "Lol, ;)" & ordering a tee-shirt made by your younger siblings in a neighboring factory that guessed it!: "Lol :)"; all on one device. Thank you!


3. Bunk Beds with your best buddies!!! Just like summer camp!

At least 8 best buddies to a room that is approximately 1/3rd the size of Joan River's shoe closet. After working over 13 hours you and your bunk-mates will sleep and wake in silent shifts, to ensure no wasted time socializing when you could be making my goddamn iPad.


2. Being hoarded in long, rainy lines and seperated by gender like farm animals!

Migrants travel from all over China to show up at the Apple Factory in hopes of attaining a steady paycheck. Once they arrive they are seperated by gender and hoarded through long muddy lines, AKA the very bovine application process seen below. Just think about it, THIS COULD BE YOU! How awesome is that.




 According to Karson Yiu and the ABC news center:
"Suicide Prevention Nets" lined the dormitories on Foxconn's Shenzhen Longhua campus (Apple Product Factories). These nets were erected on every building during the spring of 2010 in response to a spate of employee suicides. "

If that's not corporate responsibility, well, I just don't know what IS anymore. Or maybe I have never known. Whatevs, who wants a cheeseburger!?!? I just got the new McDonald's app for my iPhone...