I've seen all the films, and I think Christian Bale is hot in a so-angry-he-might-burn-down-your-house kind of way. But if I were the female version of Christopher Nolan, I'd cast a new Batman.

Full Credits

Ryan Reynolds

This is a purely selfish choice. But I think most women would agree that they'd like to see Ryan Reynolds in a spandex onesie, no? Or, like, maybe a new twist on Batman where he's just shirtless all the time because Alfred keeps "misplacing" the top half of the suit...

Zach Galifianakis

For too long this franchise has been about loss, redemption, and ass kicking.

Isn't it about time that someone took a comic crack at it? Specifically this lovable ball of Greek hairiness?

Natalie Portman

She's already in every other movie. So, why not take this role from other promising actors, too?

Matthew Morrison

He sings on Glee and apparently has a solo album dropping, or something, but if anyone is going to bring a Batman musical to the big screen it's Matthew Morrison.

Think of the song possibilities!!

Robert Pattinson

Have you seen those Twilight movies? This kid can't act for shit. But he's incredibly attractive and seems to have cast some sort of spell over pre-pubescent (or post, in this author's case) girls.

It would bring in a totally new and terrifying audience.

Mike "the Situation" Sorrentino

In the words of 'The Situation' himself: "You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody that looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off."


Danny DeVito

Stay with me here: If there was ever a 'Batman' film set in the future, I think he would be the epitome of a fallen superhero.

The movie could be an indie dramedy a la Sideways, where DeVito is a middle-aged, depressed sack who takes a road trip with his pal Robin and meets a woman who makes him rethink EVERYTHING.


Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Christopher Nolan already cast him in The Dark Knight Rises as 'John Blake,' and I know he's thin and kind of hipsterish. But imagine if he put on like 70 pounds of muscle, used a scratchy voice, and carried around a batarang?

Seriously, think about it.

Will Smith

There has never been a black Batman, and he's already remaking another famous film so his baby girl Willow can 'Whip Her Hair' as the first black Annie. It's inevitable, is all I'm saying.

Justin Timberlake

We all want JT to return to where he belongs, and that land is music.

But he has a wacky idea in his head that he can "act" and wants to "try something new." Luckily, I know how to break this: cast him as Batman and have his obviously lacking skills sink the franchise.

If Intervention has taught me anything, it's that all junkies have to hit a bottom before they accept help. Let's give Justin that bottom as Batman.