Hall of Fame
It’s Tuesday, which means it’s Taco Tuesday, which means you’re inevitably going to groan, “Ugh, why do we have to eat tacos for dinner every single Tuesday?” and your mom will say, “Because it’s Taco Tuesday! Now go and wash your hands.” Then she’ll serve you the same platter of three ground beef tacos with a side Mexican rice that you eat every single Tuesday because your family has a predetermined weekly dinner schedule with “crowd pleasers” like Spaghetti and Meatballs Monday, Fish Friday, and We-Eat-The-Same- Food-Every-Single-Week-Day-In-And-Day-Out-Solely-Because-Of-Alliteration Wednesday (which your mom “playfully” calls Chicken & Waffles Wednesday).
There are glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling, an 'N Sync poster taped on your wall, and Mickey Mouse sheets on the racecar bed sitting in the middle of your room. You were going to redecorate when you initially moved back in, but you convinced yourself that there's no reason to touch anything because you’ll have your own place in no time. Two years have since passed… and now it's time to honestly take a look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, the one with the Pokémon frame hanging on the closet door. You know what you have to do. Take down that 'N Sync poster. Then sign a lease. Any lease.
Your girlfriend wants you to – oh that’s right, she broke up with you because your bedroom is adjacent to your parents’ and that’s creepy, weird, uncomfortable, unnerving; let’s see, what other words did she use? Oh yeah, frustrating, disconcerting, sad, loser-y, and pathetic. It’s time to face facts: Becky’s gone and she’s not coming back. Especially if it’s back to your parents’ house. Where you’re still living. For some reason.
There's not really much to do socially besides sitting around and hanging out with your high school friends who also live in their parents’ houses. Meanwhile, all of your college friends are having an amazing time living in Brooklyn from what you can see on Facebook. But why are you even looking at your depressing news feed when Nick from your 10th grade Spanish class just popped Madden 11 into your Xbox? It's time for another "fun" night of video games, maybe a beer, and a trip to your local diner.
In retrospect your parents wanting you home by 10 at the latest made sense when you were in high school because you were in high school. Now it’s just plain weird. In college you didn’t have a curfew and as an adult you definitely shouldn’t have one, but when your dad says, “if you’re living under my roof, you’re living under my rules,” he’s really saying, “if you’re living under my roof, you’re not going to be treated like an adult until, at the very least, you start paying your cell phone bill.”
Your mom found your stash hidden under your mattress while she was changing your sheets. Real creative hiding spot. Now she won’t stop saying how she’s “shocked” that marijuana has entered her house and how she's “disappointed” in your actions even though she always talks about how your father and she were high school burn outs back in the day... Wait, maybe that explains why some of your weed always seems to be missing… Whatever the case may be, you’re an adult. You shouldn’t have to hide your pot. Unless it’s from the cops.
The kids in your neighborhood are making fun of you again, but this time it’s because you’re an adult living with your parents and not because you crapped your pants at Tom Maloney’s 10th birthday party. Still, nowadays you shouldn’t be getting bullied by any 10 year old kids let alone Tom's younger brother. Mainly because you’re bigger than Bryan Maloney, but also because you’re a neighbor and a friend of the family. Fair warning though: if you hit him back it’s considered child abuse.
Come on. Get it together.
Okay. You’re back from work every day around 5:30 and your parents don’t come home from their jobs until 5:45 and 6 respectively. So that gives you a solid 15 minute window to play with (yourself) and you know that if you want to masturbate later in the day you’ll have to wait until about 10:30–11 when your mom and dad usually go to sleep. At that point, you can do whatever you want as long as you either mute your computer speakers or wear headphones. Also, ALWAYS make sure your door is locked. Parents don't tend to knock.
Even though you live in your parents’ house you somehow managed to bring your date back to “your place.” It’s probably because they also live at their parents’ house, but hey, make the most of it. Set the mood. Light some candles, eat a handful of erotic chocolates, lay on your silky non-Mickey Mouse sheets, and do NOT put any R&B music on, do NOT let the bed squeak, do NOT moan, and do NOT breathe. It would be SO embarrassing if your parents heard you being an adult.
Hey... What’s with those pained noises coming from the ceiling? They're really taking away from the DVR’d Mad Men episode you’re watching… Oh God. Your parents’ bedroom is above the family room! Gross. Looks like you’re going to have to watch the last 20 minutes on the small TV in the basement. And forget about masturbating tonight. Or for a while.
If you’re wondering why your room is empty it’s because your parents have packed your bags and everything you own is already in a U-Haul moving van headed to a storage unit. The message is clear: it’s time for you to live somewhere else because you’re a full-fledged adult. Well, maybe not full-fledged, but at least a half-fledged adult who realized that your ‘N Sync poster had to go. Now get out there and find a place you can call your own! A place where you can proudly say, “this is MY living room, this is MY kitchen, and this right here in MY bedroom is MY framed Justin Timberlake poster hanging on MY wall. Now, mom and dad, can you help me pay this month rent? Please?”