Looks DO Matter
You think 'Home Alone' would have grossed $533,800,000 worldwide (!!!) had the loveable Kevin McCallister been played by a chubby, zit riddled, unsightly teen (aka BUZZ)??
It really is all about being adorable! Keep shaving that body hair off, kids, it'll make you rich.
Beware of Sociopaths
Did you know that 9 out of 10 serial killers just LOVE bed-wetting and wearing suspenders?? You can't argue FACTS*, people!
Whatcha gonna do with that Pepsi, huh, Fuller?
Choose Your Pets Wisely
A chihuahua that can fit into your purse? Sure, that's something a lot of people I'd hate would love. But would that little bitch risk it's LIFE to save you from intruders?
Tarantula: 1 Beverly Hills Chihuahua: 0
Don't Be Afraid of Confrontation
You can do this, okay??
It's an inanimate object, for Christ's sake. It's just a furnace with burning hot coals and a weird door that oddly looks like a mouth and...
OH SWEET JESUS NO! It's coming for us all! RUN!
The Value of Delayed Gratification
Sure, Kevin could have called the cops, and probably should have.
But if he had, you know what would have happened? A whole lot of bad guys not stepping on broken glass and nails!
Follow Your Passion
Your full time job is being a kid, sure. But you also have that deep, dark desire that you're constantly drawn to. And if others stand in the way of it (looking at you, Buzz!), you'll throw an epic tantrum that will land you in the attic upstairs.
A lovely cheese pizza, just for you? Dreams DO come true!
Always Be Prepared
It's your American right to own a firearm. Never forget that.
Call Your Parents... Sometimes
If you don't pick up the phone for awhile, your mom WILL hunt you down.
She won't care if she has to get out on the runway and hitchhike, if it costs her everything she owns, if she has to sell her soul to the devil himself... OR squeeze into the back of a U-Haul with John Candy and a polka band.
Either way, she will find you.
Don't Forget Your Kids... Unless You Love Happy Endings!
You know what happens in this country if your dog takes a dump on the neighbor's lawn and you forget to put it into a plastic baggie? Hope you enjoy picking up the soap in prison.
Conveniently abandon your 8-year-old son for a few days due to a "power outtage"? Hope you enjoy the groceries being bought, a decorated tree, and your family growing closer than ever!!!